The Oscars

And the winner is... SAMSUNG!

Ellen uses an iPhone backstage, but when it comes to taking the Oscar selfie...she kowtows to those who pay, just like the rest of these besuited actors who bend over and take it up the rear regularly...come on, did you hear them use their time to thank anybody and everybody as opposed to saying something important? Then again, I think Matthew McConaughey was trying to make a point, but I couldn't understand it through the bongo drums and the smoke.

And then you've got Ellen DeGeneres, who actually does a good monologue and then devolves into her daytime routine. Hey Ellen! If I wanted to stay home and watch fake people be nice not only would I not have a life, like your audience, I'd believe we all live in a sunny land where there is no poverty and happiness reigns.

Ick.

Unlike in South Africa...

Yes, that was the highlight for me, U2's performance of their Mandela song, which is B grade at best, but whose performance smacked the ball so far over the fence that the audience sat there like they were watching "Springtime For Hitler."

Yes, Bono overemoted. Yes, Edge won't remove that ridiculous cap, when being bald is no longer a criminal offense that prevents you from ever getting laid again. But Adam and Larry played acoustically and the whole thing had a level of subtlety, intensity and meaning that the rest of the show lacked.

Hell, I'll even say Karen O's performance had some gravitas, but Pharrell should retire the silly hat and realize dancing with nobodies does not enhance your career after busting a move with Emily Ratajkowski, and Pink didn't fly but she oversang and Bette Midler...should have sung "Friends," because that's what the movie business is all about, relationships. Unlike music, it's a team effort.

Or, as Eddie Rosenblatt so wisely put it after Andy Rooney's ridiculous excoriation of Kurt Cobain on "60 Minutes"... "Movies when done right are larger than life, music when done right is life itself."

And yes, U2's performance was life itself.

And Jared Leto gave a shout-out to his band, equating this inane ceremony with the MTV VMAs, where it's all about promoting your next track, and I was stuck in the middle with you.

I could barely watch. Because what was on my phone was much more riveting. Frank Rich was incensed and Steve Martin got an Oscar but he was tweeting from home and I didn't bother to tweet whatsoever, because in 2014, no one's paying attention, they're too busy being a star themselves.

As for Ellen and company breaking Twitter... What's next, you gonna break Smith Corona? How about Packard Bell? That's the movies for you, always one step behind. You couldn't at least make a WhatsApp reference?

But all we got was pizza. I mean we're sitting at home, wondering when we're gonna get out of Africa, the dreaded middle wherein the show has lost its way and you're wondering if it will ever come back and...Ellen is doing shtick? This was the drum solo of the Oscars, the superfluous moment when you get to pee, but are afraid of getting up for fear you'll miss something.

As for who won... The people keeping the industry alive, by going to see "Transformers" and "Iron Man," weren't even watching at this point, if they'd ever tuned in at all. Yes, while the industry was congratulating itself, the audience had moved on.

Does it remind you of another entertainment monolith? That known as the RECORD BUSINESS?

CD profits were huge, the companies were rolling in dough, and when the public got a chance, it moved on.

As people have done today. But they've moved to TV. Yes, I couldn't wait to get home and watch the penultimate episode of "House of Cards," which riveted me in a way this 200 plus minute hegira in the desert never did. Then again, I'm not going to the theatre to see "Wolf of Wall Street," because I don't want to see Scorsese whack off for almost as long. Oh, Marty's good, but not that good, because he's so busy getting the look and the emotions right, he's sacrificed story.

Oh, I speared a sacred cow!

But if you think Marty Scorsese is my hero, you could probably understand why the show had a theme and what it meant, I certainly couldn't.

I've got some movie heroes. Francis Ford Coppola, who made the best movie ever, "Godfather II."

And excommunicated prick Peter Bogdanovich, who had an exquisite three movie run before he lost the plot...I WANT MY TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!

And I'll even throw in George Lucas, not for "Star Wars," but "American Graffiti."

And I'll exclude Spielberg, because he's a hack. Blame him for where we're at. Where they pull the heartstrings and make it about visual effects and you leave feeling you've been on an amusement park ride, but you've learned nothing about life.

As for the makers of the early flicks, the people today's youngsters know nothing about, from Orson Welles to William Wyler to Billy Wilder, I'm all thumbs-up. Those were the golden ages, the same way the classic rock era was music's Renaissance. You get big grosses today and nitwits with numerous number one hits but there's no meaning there.

Which may be why everybody's glued to the other screen, their phone or the tablet, during the show.

I certainly was.

On my phone I was in control. I could bounce from topic to topic, I was in a living pinball machine of endless stimulation.

That's right, my attention span had been disrupted.

That's the key word of the twenty first century, DISRUPTION!

It happened to music, it happened to cabs and it even happened to telephones.

That's right. There's scores, nearly millions of youngsters who know the calcified entertainment industries offer no opportunity, so they've all gone into tech, looking for ways to shake things up, and make a ton of money in the process. Only old farts play by the rules anymore.

That's right, watching the Oscar telecast reminded me of nothing so much as going to school, wherein when I questioned what was going on, I got blank stares and put-downs in return, I had to respect the INSTITUTION!

And the Academy is so busy respecting the institution of the Oscar telecast that we've lost interest.

David Letterman disrupted late night TV.

What does Jimmy Fallon do in response? THE SAME DAMN SHOW!

But NBC fired Jay Leno because they didn't like his demographics, irrelevant of the fact that he won every night. You see the money is in the youth. And the Academy knows this. But is unable to shake the preconceptions of the aged white men who comprise it.

So here goes...

1. It's television. Make it an interesting watch. And tighten it up. No one's got time for hour plus albums and no one's got time for 200 plus minute award shows.

2. Deliver the unexpected. Give out major awards first.

3. Change the venue. Do remotes. Do taped segments. Have us sitting in front of the flat screen wondering what you're going to do next, afraid to turn the damn thing off.

4. "Seinfeld" was the most successful sitcom ever because it had a "no hugging, no learning" rule. The Oscars need the same thing. No, we all don't love each other and every movie does not end on a high note, at least the good ones. We want truth, we want edge, we don't want a celebration of pricks who are worried where there next paychecks are coming from.

Then again, at this late date, we know "Seinfeld" triumphed because of the irascible outcast Larry David, whose writing resonated because at heart we're all outcasts, not insiders.

So put Judd Apatow in charge. Have it scripted by Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. Make references to McLovin. Pay fealty to the people who actually go instead of this faux presentation wherein for one night a year we forget what the business truly is.

Like the Cars said, it's time to SHAKE IT UP!

Before someone else shakes it up for you.

Oh, that's right, television already has.

TV dominates dinner and the water cooler.

Rather than endless hype and wait, Netflix delivers all thirteen episodes of "House of Cards" at once.

Then again, Reed Hastings built Netflix. It's his ego and his money on the line, whereas no one's built a successful studio in decades (DreamWorks Animation and the Weinstein Company don't count, they're outgrowths of what came before). The techies are all about personal triumph and changing the world. Everything's up for grabs. They don't play to what once was because they understand tomorrow is much more important than today.

So, so long Ellen DeGeneres. Loved your put-down of Liza Minnelli (do she and Kim Novak actually think they look good?), but if I want middle of the road I'll tune in Wayne Newton, or maybe Grayson Chance.

So long Samsung, you're just like the movie business, endless me-tooism, no originality.

And so long so many of those in attendance, who will probably never get inside the building again, never mind win an award.

And hello you and me. We rule. We've got options. We won't waste our time on mediocrity.

And I must declare...this is the first time ever where I felt if I missed the Oscar telecast...I'd have missed nothing.


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