Saturday 12 July 2014

Tommy Ramone

Who'da thunk they'd all be dead but their music would live on?

Certainly not anybody who came across their debut in the bins back in '76. With its black and white cover and music so contrary to what was happening as to be almost incomprehensible, or a joke.

But despite having a great sense of humor, the Ramones were no joke. They were fans. They were every suburbanite's dream. They hewed to their ethos until the very end, until the world caught up with them.

That's right, the Ramones never had a hit. But now their music is played in stadiums, babies wear their t-shirts. Proving the greatest artists have a plan and stick to it.

Not only were the Ramones not art rock, overblown like Yes and Genesis, they never went disco, they never cut corners, they were just...originals.

Credit Hilly Kristal, for giving them a place to play.

Credit Danny Fields for guidance.

Credit Seymour Stein for giving them a deal.

It's easy to be me-too, it's hard to be an original.

And Tommy was an original Ramone. One can argue that by time he was gone, it was all over. Yup, Tommy coproduced "Road To Ruin" with Ed Stasium after relinquishing the drum chair to Marky, and after that the band started looking for an elusive hit as opposed to being just them.

And they were themselves from the very beginning, one can argue they emerged fully-formed, their debut opened with the legendary "Blitzkrieg Bop" and segued into "Beat on the Brat," that's what you do with a baseball bat, right?

"Leave Home" had the legendary "Carbona Not Glue," featuring the pastime of the bored and misdirected.

And then came the second masterpiece, "Rocket To Russia." How could it be that a band from Queens could do the Beach Boys better than the originals? Joey had that nasal sound and there were more hooks in "Rockaway Beach" than not only those contained in the works of the SoCal surfers, but many of those on the hit parade. Come on, an ode to a local haunt that required no pilgrimage, but was part of the DNA of the locals?

And it was on "Rocket To Russia" that we learned that Sheena was a punk rocker.

And on "Road To Ruin" was the band's apotheosis, "I Wanna Be Sedated."

They say that everybody who bought the first Velvet Underground album started a band. I won't debate that, but I will say that many more bought "Ramones" and picked up instruments and formed groups. Because if the Ramones could, so could they. Especially in England, where punk flourished first, after being started in NYC by the Ramones and getting no traction in the USA. So most people in the hinterlands were first exposed to punk via the Sex Pistols, but Johnny Rotten, et al, were inspired by the Ramones.

The Ramones were a constant reinforcement that we shouldn't take ourselves too seriously, that two minutes was enough for a song, and that first and foremost rock should be fun, you remember fun, don't you?

And now they're all gone.

I saw 'em. At the Whisky. Because despite their rep, the halls were never big.

I met Tommy only once, and he was surprisingly normal. He had a hip affect, most musicians do, but he was approachable, no different from the guy who sat in the back of the room in high school math.

So let's pause for a toast to a band of originals. Who didn't die in a plane crash, but met their demise just the same. Was there something in those vans, something that caused all of their lives to be cut short?

We'll never know.

But they're getting the last laugh, because with every passing year their legend grows, they only get bigger.


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Friday 11 July 2014

My New Phone

Only suckers switch to Samsung.

I've never ever been to the Genius Bar before. Because I find I can fix most problems myself. The web is a cornucopia of information, if you can't find the answer in the Apple Support Communities (https://discussions.apple.com/welcome), you don't have a problem. But finally at my limit with my Mac Pro, I made the journey. And when I went to pick up my machine today, more about that later, I decided to...

Tell them about my phone.

The truth is Americans are abusers. Give 'em an inch and they'll take more than a mile. The best example is Costco, that bastion of consumer-friendliness. They had a generous return policy they had to eliminate, because people were buying new iPods and then returning them a year later, when the new model came out, even though there was nothing wrong with the first. So unless something craps out completely, unless it's a slam-dunk case, I don't want to deal with customer service. Because I feel I've got to justify myself, since everybody who's preceded me is a lying, cheating, scumbag.

Like that husband of an old friend who no longer liked his car so he drove it south of the border and reported it stolen.

Yup, I'm too embarrassed to speak up for myself even if I do have a problem. But today I did. You see the battery on my iPhone no longer had the juice. Oh, the device worked, I never would have scheduled a special trip, but while I was there...it'd crap out at 20% and the journey down to that number was oh-so-fast.

So Hunter hooked it up to a program, and voila! Turned out it was failing. Not gone, but borderline. So he gave me a new phone.

But it gets even better than that, the random freezing problem I was having, only in e-mail, was gone too. So this is a win-win.

But I'm still gonna get a new phone in the fall. Because this one will be paid for. And it's not about the device anyway, but the data, and the utility. As in you need something that works, but what's on it and what it can access is more important than how it looks.

So, if you're getting something spiffy, ask yourself, what are you gonna do when it breaks? Call Korea?

Or if you cheap out, buy one of those knock-off Android devices, same deal.

And you know how it works, it's never their fault. Even Apple pooh-poohs third party software. You've got to convince somebody that they're responsible, and if you think that's easy, you're David Boies, and even he's got a spotty track record.

Sure, I bought insurance, known as Applecare. Might be expensive, but I want no questions asked. It's less about the money than the service. I want to be covered, the same way I pay house insurance, it's about what if? What if I'm stuck with a lame device that's my lifeline? And that's what smartphones are, a lifeline. If you don't feel this way, believe me, in a couple of years you will.

And the truth is we've got no time. Which is why I didn't schedule a special trip to begin with. Which is why not only was it great to instantly get a new phone, but to have all its data instantly synch from the cloud. That's what you get when you've got one stop shopping, when you buy everything from one place, i.e. Apple, it all works seamlessly.

So if all you want to do is make calls and text, you're fine with another device, maybe. But what if you get a bum app? What if you've lost functionality? Who you gonna call, Ghostbusters?

What we're all looking for is a safety net, even the 1%. Although theirs is all about health, that's the one thing money can't buy. But the rest of us, we don't want to be waylaid by a problem, we don't want the wind taken out of our sails, we want to believe someone will be there in our moment of crisis.

And the last resort should be and is the government. Which is why the uninsured go to emergency rooms and get service, because as a society we don't want our citizens to be lame and maimed.

But the government doesn't cover everything. It'll give you some food, some health care, but it won't give you a phone and service. For this you've got to pay.

So who are you going to pay?

Pay Apple. Because you're paying anyway, it's built into your contract. The phones are not free, even though you think they are.

Because someday you're gonna want answers. And the Genius Bar is just a hop, skip and a jump away.

And you'll be glad.

P.S. As for my Mac Pro, they tested it and said it was fine, which means...it won't be, but I'm gonna find out. (They tested the hardware and the software, found no problem. Then they said a hard drive failed, then they tested all four and said they were fine. Then they installed a new OS on one and...I've got absolutely no faith the problem is gone. I'm gonna buy a new machine, hopefully this one will limp along and get me through.)


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Rhinofy-Four Seasons Primer

SHERRY

It was not like today, there was no Disney Channel, never mind Disney Radio. All we had were three networks, a few independents and...our transistors. They were the iPods of the day, everybody was constantly buying new ones, for a few years there they were all the rage.

And when you finally got a transistor, you listened to baseball. At least I did. I was addicted to the Yankees. Did I ever tell you I was there when Roger Maris hit his 61st?

Anyway, when it comes to popular music...

My parents played show tunes, I knew "Oklahoma!" by heart, but the rest of the Top Forty lived in the ether, you'd hear bits and pieces here and there. And that's how I knew "Sherry." It was all about Frankie Valli's voice, "Sherry BAY-A-BY!" There was nothing else like it on the radio, and unique doesn't only stand out, you remember it. And although "Sherry" sounds horribly dated, it's just as infectious today, because it's simple and basic, it's got a memorable tune, great vocals and hooks galore. It was innocent, and all about the music, it encapsulated the early sixties, before Vietnam, before the riots, when the baby boomers were just coming into their own in a world where your mother didn't have to work and you had backyard barbecues and everybody believed in the U.S.A. and everybody was happy (well, as long as you weren't black or gay or...)

BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY

My mother bought the single.

She was a hipster, but popular music was not her thing, she was a theatre rat. But this was just so infectious, she couldn't resist.

"Big Girls Don't Cry" is like "Like A Virgin," the unexpected superior follow-up to the initial hit. You had to hear it on the phonograph, those drums were big, the chorus immediately hooked you and, once again, Frankie's falsetto enraptured you... "Big girls don't CRY-I-I!"

This was a monster hit, not much more than a year before the Beatles invaded our consciousness and revolutionized the music business.

WALK LIKE A MAN

I heard this at the bowling alley, Nutmeg Bowl on Kings Highway (not Tom Petty's). Not only was the PBA on every Saturday afternoon, bowling was my first love, before skiing. I'd go with school, I'd bowl with the league on Saturday morning and even if we did three strings, with french fries in between, we always ended up spending time at the jukebox. Where this was a favorite.

Forget the lyrics, forget the message, it was all about the SOUND!

DAWN (GO AWAY)

I had to own this one, I heard it and couldn't get enough of it, to this day it's my favorite Four Seasons track. I loved the way it started off so rich and a cappella, and then the drumbeat and then...that chorus!

Go away, I'm no good for you. Fat chance! Come closer!

If you can't sing along with this, you didn't live through this.

RONNIE

The second horse of the 1964 trifecta.

Sure, it once again starts off with an indelible chorus.

But what you've got to know is the Beatles wiped most American acts off the chart, except for...the Four Seasons and the Beach Boys. And as much as we loved the Fab Four, we had a fantasy our homegrown favorites would last. And in 1964, they did.

I bought this one too, even though it's not quite as good as what came before and...what came after.

RAG DOLL

It was the same time of year as now, early summer, and the only thing as big as this number one record was..."I Get Around" and ultimately "A Hard Day's Night."

We don't have this kind of dominance these days. A song that is positively everywhere.

This was the victory lap, as good as "Big Girls Don't Cry," "Rag Doll" made it seem like American music would sustain. Alas, it didn't. Not on the Top Forty, not for years.

Sure, the Four Seasons had more hits. But not immediately. And that's important. It was not like today, where tracks could live on the chart for the better part of a year, they were on the radio a couple of months at best. And the Beatles continued to top the chart and the Four Seasons did not.

There was a hit in '65, but "Bye, Bye, Baby (Baby Goodbye)" was simplistic, formula, almost a cheap shot, when the Beatles were testing limits with every release, pushing us beyond our preconceptions and pleasing us all the while. Sure, "Bye, Bye, Baby (Baby Goodbye)" got airplay, but you couldn't hold it up as a paragon of excellence, as a badge of identity.

LET'S HANG ON

This was more like it, but still an extension of the formula.

We liked hearing our old favorite on the radio in the fall of '65, but no one believed the Four Seasons mattered anymore, unlike before the Beatles. This was a hit song. But even though it made it all the way to number 3, it was a step below what came before.

WORKING MY WAY BACK TO YOU

Ditto. Jimi Hendrix was all over FM, as well as Cream, Motown made inroads on Top Forty and in 1969 we got this cut that was very good, but dated. But don't say there weren't hooks. In comparison to so much of today's music, this is a MASTERPIECE!

DECEMBER, 1963 (OH, WHAT A NIGHT)

The last hurrah, when most people were no longer paying attention. Yes, this went to number one in 1976, when anybody who cared about music was listening to FM.

Most interesting for having someone other than Frankie Valli singing lead, this is one step above a throwaway. Put it in context and you'll squirm. Once upon a time the Four Seasons stood for something, we defended them, they MATTERED!

But no longer.

GREASE

Frankie Valli was the voice, but Bob Gaudio was the genius, his only failing was being born too early, before the album rock era when millions sat at home reading the credits.

Gaudio's gotten credit, but he still deserves a victory lap. Despite the hoopla of "Jersey Boys," most people still don't know him.

But Bob Gaudio did not write and produce "Grease," that work was done by Barry Gibb (with help from Albhy Galuten and Karl Richardson on the production side).

That's how hot Barry was, he could bring back the dead.

Sure, Frankie had a solo hit in '74, with "My Eyes Adored You," but that was before most people had even heard the word "disco."

This was a real comeback, this was relevant, not that we believed it could last, and it didn't. But for one moment in the spring of '78, Frankie Valli was once again a star.

And it's not his falsetto vocal, but it's still him. And I always loved this record. Which is why we journeyed downtown on some godforsaken stormy night to see him perform at a free show. After all, it was FRANKIE VALLI!

Spotify link: http://spoti.fi/1jf3tY7


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Thursday 10 July 2014

Winners/Losers

LOSER

Jay Leno. Off the air and out of our consciousness. If you're not in our eyes and ears every day you're on your way to being forgotten. In other words, if you take a break don't expect to come back with your fame intact.

LOSER

Samsung. The dream is over. Killed by Android more than the iPhone. Proving that a shiny exterior only goes so far, don't be swayed by looks (and be sure to pay attention to this in your personal life!) Unable to distinguish itself from low-priced competitors, Samsung is being hammered from below. Furthermore, it is being hammered by Apple from above. Its highest-priced phone, the Galaxy S5, was outsold by the disappointment known as the iPhone 5C. (http://bit.ly/1rcusny)

In other words, all that marketing, all those dollars to Jay Z, all those famous people giveaways could not compete with the marketplace, wherein price speaks and Samsung tanked.

Android phones are a commodity. It's a race to the bottom. Theoretically Samsung could have a chance with Tizen, but nah... We don't need another smartphone OS. Never mind another app store.

Their watch/gear is DOA. The phones are overpriced.

Samsung, we hardly knew ye.

LOSER

Lady Gaga. You're in the news, but not about your music. And you can never forgo your core competency. You could have cut a song for the summer, instead, you're making dollars on the road... This time. Next time? Probably not.

WINNER

Madonna. Huh? She's working with Avicii, every hip producer on the chart. And in an era where the sound is more important than the performer, she could actually come back. Sure, it will be on the shoulders of others, but isn't that how she's always triumphed?

You can be saddened, but don't be surprised.

LOSER

U2. Trying to replicate Madonna's paradigm. But whereas Madge was always a trend whore, Bono, et al, followed their own path. But now that there's no rock on Top Forty, there's nowhere to go. Trying to stay hip leaves the hard core fanbase squeamish. Their Super Bowl track tanked. They'll do a ton of publicity, but the resulting album will be meaningless.

WINNER

Google. It's not the Apple paradigm. It's a scattershot approach. We launch stuff, some fails, so what, we're rich! And they're even in the VC/development field with Google Ventures. Google's advantage is its brass is a couple of years younger than the Apple people, and the company is run by engineers. Tim Cook doesn't know enough about engineering. Jony Ive is not an engineer. At the end of the day, tech companies live on new products that run efficiently. Can Craig Federighi be Apple's secret weapon or is the Cupertino company gonna run on the past and then run out of steam?

WINNER

Jimmy Iovine. Not only for himself, but for Apple. He seems to be the secret sauce Apple needs, he's the one to bring them out of the doldrums. Jimmy's got his finger on the pulse of the younger generation, which drives the culture and ultimately dollars. Jimmy might have brought Yahoo back, Marissa Mayer cannot.

LOSER

Yahoo. Marissa Mayer has a flawed vision. She's moving downmarket, trying to capture the eyeballs of those who don't care while alienating the hard core that does. Make your homepage comprehensible. Weed out the fluff. Good for you promoting Katie Couric and Matt Bai, but the truth is their stardom is far eclipsed by that of David Pogue, who you bury. People don't care about Katie, other than out-of-touch oldsters, but Pogue was one of the two most powerful people commenting about tech, and now you've marginalized him.

WINNER

Michael Rapino. Because he knows Ticketmaster/Live Nation is an e-commerce company, that it's all about the hundreds of millions of transactions, concerts are just the fuel, and it won't be long before booking is done by data, with few humans involved.

WINNER

Data. Gut reaction only counts in art. And then only so far. Data is eviscerating the mystery. You can predict a lot of the future, if you parse the data from the past.

WINNER

Scott Borchetta. Used to be it was only Taylor Swift, now it's Florida Georgia Line, the Band Perry, Thomas Rhett, Brantley Gilbert... Borchetta is the most powerful man in music creation, even more powerful than Rick Rubin and the rest of those who get all the press. Borchetta knows how to pick winners and make them so. He's a force of nature. You should beg to be on his label. Sure, he signed the antique Reba McEntire, but I'm waiting for some old rocker to wake up and make a deal. Borchetta's putting out a country covers album of Motley Crue songs that in many instances are better than the originals. Borchetta grew up in the Valley and can talk hard rock forever. Old rockers need Scott, they just don't know it yet. Borchetta's success proves once again that it's all about individuals. And in today's world of breaking hits, Scott is number one.

WINNER

Pasquale Rotella. Because he realizes shows are not about the gross, but the experience. That's why people come back. And if you're rebuilding the world with every show, you're screwed.

LOSER

New festivals. There's Coachella and Lollapalooza, they're locks, their success is guaranteed. And then maybe ACL. Next comes Bonnaroo, but do you really want to camp in the rain and mud to hear old acts, it's not a jam band festival anymore. After that...it's a vast wasteland. We're saturated. The festival experience has to be memorable, it has to have bragging rights, so unless your customers can see a badge of honor in attending, you're screwed. Small festivals can burgeon, big ones...

WINNER

Streaming. Already won in market share, will soon rain down prodigious dollars. You can either join the future now, or be an object of ridicule in the future, when you sheepishly join in. Those complaining about streaming royalties don't have enough fans listening to their music. Sure, songwriter royalties are a small part of the pot, but if you can't see that streaming is a gold mine, please don't pontificate about the future.

WINNER

Doug Morris. He single-handedly reinvigorated Sony Music. However, once he's gone, it's a disaster.

WINNER

Monte Lipman. If Sony were smart, they'd steal Monte to replace Doug. Because Monte is Doug's number one student. Buy it, find a home for it on radio, and blow it up. If there's no reaction, stop spending. If it only lasts momentarily, find something else.

WINNER

Steve Barnett. He willed Sam Smith to be a success. If you've got a work project, no one will dedicate himself to it more, Steve needs it. If only we could enlighten him re Spotify...

LOSER

Robin Thicke. The press is deafening, how his album has tanked:

"Robin Thicke's album Paula sells fewer than 54 copies in Australia": http://bit.ly/1trVgEG

Furthermore, why was there an album? Thicke's a singles artist. He should have sat in the studio with Pharrell as long as it took to make another hit.

If Chris Brown can come back, so can Robin Thicke. If he has a thicke hide, if he comes back with an undeniable single.

LOSER

Justin Bieber. Because he's let the press get control of his narrative. Bieber's got to regain his story, he's got to explain where he's coming from. But he's young and immature and so is his manager. Bieber doesn't need to apologize so much as explain.

WINNER

Jack White. Because he realized he's selling souvenirs. Sure, he sold 40,000 vinyl records of his latest release the first week, but this is not a testimony to vinyl, but to Mr. White, who jacked up the price and added goodies. Proving once again, if people believe in you, they'll spend all their money. Mr. White wasn't selling music, he was selling a collectible!

TOSS-UP

Jay Z. Hey Jay, what about creating a hit single? You've been running on rep/fumes for far too long.

TOSS-UP

Garth Brooks. I'm sure your fourth quarter digital store will make some coin because the prices will be so low, but you've demonstrated your ignorance here, you're way too late to the game. The reason people bought your low-priced multiple CD package at Wal-Mart was because they were already there! What's going to drive people to your website to buy? And everybody has to enter their credit card number? As for new music... Shoot low, very low. Do it their way. Have your lyrics written by Dallas Davidson, then again, what kind of idiot agrees to be on a reality television show, and one must say the words Dallas uttered reinforce the cracker image of the south. But Dallas has his finger on the pulse of today's country market. Yup, Garth. Make it about trucks and rims and have one big hit and then do it your way, because to today's country audience you're Frank Sinatra, an historical legend, you're old, not new, play by their rules first. And you didn't make a deal with Borchetta
because..?

TOSS-UP

John Janick. No one can fill both of Jimmy's shoes. Can he fill one?


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Gjelina

I don't get out much, at least not in my own hometown.

Traffic is too bad, and the choice is overwhelming. Used to be you could see every movie, go to every restaurant, now...it's a full time job following just one scene and I'm a completist, I like to be an expert, I don't like to sample, if I can't grasp the entire oeuvre and render an opinion, I opt out.

But not last night, last night we went to Gjelina.

At first we were supposed to meet Bill in West Hollywood. But then he told us he was renting a place in Venice for the summer, so how about a restaurant on Abbot Kinney?

Yes, Venice has always been hip.

And full of crime.

Just south of Santa Monica, the area has been gentrified, but gangs and transients have not been weeded out. If you haven't had a break-in, you haven't lived there.

In the last century, is it different now?

Once upon a time it was a sleep artists' enclave. It's where Jim Morrison so famously resided.

But today, you just can't get a parking place. And you can't get a restaurant reservation either.

But Jay knew someone.

That's what getting older is all about, the relationships, it's more important than money, do you know who to call, text or e-mail who will get you not only through the velvet rope, but into the desirable location.

Which at Gjelina is the back patio. Because inside, you just can't hear a thing.

That's where I decided to go. I may not exit my house, but when I do I'm looking for a peak experience, and that's what my Yelp surfing told me Gjelina would be. I pity those with poor Yelp ratings. Furthermore, good ones just reinforce themselves. That's where people go. So I'll venture to the establishment with many reviews even if the rating is a bit lower. As for the one star reviews...it always comes down to the same, some self-satisfied prick is pissed he or she was not treated like royalty. That's right, throw out the low Yelp ratings. And know that the site can be inaccurate, but where else you gonna go in our data-driven world?

I was stunned at all the people!

Go to dinner in Beverly Hills and you run into people you know. Happened to me just the other night in Santa Monica, I ran into Cameron Crowe. But here in Venice, I knew nobody!

And that's so exciting. It throws you for a loop. It shows you know nothing. Which means life is worth living.

Who are all these people out on a Wednesday night? Lining the walls, hanging on the street?

But Gjelina is not about the atmosphere, it's about the food.

It started with the olives and cheese. And the toasted raisin bread. I'm not much of a European, the cheese course rarely thrills me, but these items were so delectable they could have made a full meal. There was honeycomb and jelly and soft cheese and crumbly cheese and no highfalutin imprimatur, just good food.

Like the merguez, chimichurri and red onion.

Huh?

We had to ask too. It's lamb sausage. And it came curled on the plate, and to say it was delectable would be an understatement.

Then there was the pork belly, with Anson Mills corn grits, greens and apple glaze. The key is to cook it like fish. With a crunchy exterior, but soft, not quite rubbery interior. This was as good I've had, if not better.

And then the grilled whole squid, with melon, red onion, arugula and salsa verde. MMM! Recently, this has become my go-to item. Used to be they cut it up, but now the thing is to serve it whole, one long tentacle in this case, you slice off a nub and pop it in your mouth and it's chewy and tasty and you should not be put off by the appellation, you'll love it.

I mean that's what I told the assembled multitude. The wilder the better. If you're not willing to experiment with your food, I hope you like being sentenced to the same damn thing for the rest of your life, I hope you like listening forever to the music you spun in high school.

And we had scallops and a salad, but I truly was not prepared for the dessert.

It was the butterscotch pot de creme, salted caramel & creme fraiche.

I know, doesn't sound so hot, and I don't even care that much for butterscotch, but it was like a pudding, with sharp flavor, and you couldn't stop eating it.

We also ordered the nectarine galette and olive oil gelato, and the warm strawberry & rhubarb crisp with almond gelato, and they were extremely good, but not quite on the level of the butterscotch concoction, few things are.

If you're looking for white tablecloths and elbow room, Gjelina is not the place. Gjelina is about the food. Sure, hipsters can hang in the bar, but that's not what's driving people here, it's what goes in your mouth, not your eyes or ears.

And that's utterly fascinating and refreshing in a world of trappings and hype.

And you wonder why food is the new rock and roll. Why MTV is dead and the Food Network is burgeoning.

Because we eat every day.

And restaurants exist in a land outside social media, outside the tech revolution. You can work it, but it doesn't work. You've just got to serve great food and continue to do so, and then you develop patronage.

Of course there's more to it than that. First and foremost the numbers. What is your rent? How much is food and how is it priced? It's a game to put it all together.

Furthermore, in most cases you cannot get rich. Restaurants rarely scale. Sure, you can start a chain, but quality control is almost impossible. It's usually about the one destination.

And it's always about conversation, a great meal is comprised of many elements.

But it always starts with the food.

And Gjelina delivers.

http://www.gjelina.com


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Wednesday 9 July 2014

Potato Salad

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/324283889/potato-salad

It's all about art. And art is about conception. Not painting by numbers, but looking at the world in a skewed way and exercising your vision and titillating your audience.

In other words, Zack Danger Brown (I mean really, his middle name is "Danger"?) knew Kickstarter was not about money, that the way to get famous was to have a great idea.

It's no different from Marcel Duchamp. Or Pablo Picasso for that matter. Or all the modern art you think you can replicate but could never come up with.

Or the Ramones... You didn't think of breaking it down to the basics, never mind have the ability to write catchy tunes.

The potato salad Kickstarter is a joke. Unless Mr. Brown has some gigantic plan, which I doubt, or otherwise he's delusional, this will be the end of his fame, his notoriety, no different from Napoleon XIV's rendition of "They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!"

And what I find fascinating is a complicit, brain dead press so starved for something to trumpet that they tell this story with no analysis, saying merely LOOK, THIS IS COOL!

And the people subjected to me-tooism on the Top Forty who are forwarding this to everyone they know, because it does titillate them, it does make them question their preconceptions.

And now you've got me writing about it.

I wasn't gonna, but then I went to the page where you can literally see the counter change, happened twice while I wrote this, people donated.

Sure, it pays to be able to play your instrument. Sure, it pays to know the business. But if you want to be truly successful, both pale in comparison to the ability to look at the world and twist it, come up with something new and unexpected, that gets people talking.

In other words, Zack Danger Brown achieved what everybody desires to. He rose above. With tongue firmly in cheek.

If some band we'd never heard of had raised the same amount of money we wouldn't be interested.

But potato salad?

Can potato salad be art?

Yes, when it's wrapped in a fundraising campaign that makes no sense.

P.S. He only asked for ten bucks. Instead of saying my dream can't come true without your help, Zack is saying I can do this without you, but it's so much more fun with your involvement.

P.P.S. The updates keep the same attitude, the same ridiculous self-congratulatory Kickstarter attitude all the worthless fundraisers employ. We did it, couldn't have done it without you! In other words, Zack didn't break character, he didn't say LOOK AT ME, I WON THE PRESS LOTTERY! Although he did ultimately link to news about his campaign, which I would have advised against. Hell, if I'm already at your site, why do you have to bang me over the head with your success?

P.P.P.S. And the real loser here is Kickstarter, which allowed its site to be hijacked. That's what Zack Danger Brown is doing here, poking fun at the fundraising site. And once you become the punch line... Kickstarter never should have let that happen. Or should immediately put out a tongue-in-cheek publicity release, salivating for the product, with puns and jokes. Because if someone is ridiculing you, the best thing to do is to co-opt it and own it.

P.P.P.P.S. The best things in life are simple. A kiss. The three minute single. And mama's homemade food. Nail any of these and it's much more satisfying than any possession. Because life is about experiences and the memory thereof.


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Money

The problem is you're not paying.

Every day I'm spammed by bands. Acts that want my attention. That are bitching how the system is unfair and they can't get paid by Spotify.

But the truth is in the past they'd have to pay to play. I'm not talking at the gig, but in terms of publicity.

Now that publicity is free, it doesn't mean much. The fact that you can send a zillion e-mails does not mean anybody will care. Because all your competitors can send said e-mails too. Everybody on the receiving end is overwhelmed. Art may still be king, but money is second.

What does money buy you? A push from people with a reputation, one consumers and tastemakers will pay attention to. In other words, when you get that TV slot I'm impressed you did. Anybody can have a YouTube clip, not anybody can get on television.

Not everybody is signed to a major label. They pay you and then they spend. And not only does this spend get people to pay attention, it has the imprimatur of quality, because the major label does not take a shotgun approach, it releases very little, less than before, because without the push, nothing gets noticed.

Which is why we know Coachella and not your band that went on at noon. Coachella is spending a ton of dough, lost a ton before it became profitable. The investment was in the festival name, not your band.

In a world where everybody's equal, with overwhelming noise, he who can rise above triumphs. And now, more than ever, that involves money. Not only in art, but politics and business.

Used to be everybody sat at home and consumed, didn't play. They may have had a fantasy of becoming a rock star, but they knew it wouldn't happen. The road was long and hard and fraught with pitfalls. But today, everyone believes that gap has shrunk, that they can hop right over it. But the truth is with all the lemmings hopping, it's the pros, with money, who triumph.

You lament that no one wants to come see you live.

Because money is tight and they only want to see proven acts. Furthermore, in the old days you could play in the local bar at best. And now that bar's switched to canned music or deejays. Because it's cheaper and it makes them more money.

Just because you made it, that does not mean anybody wants to listen to it, that anybody cares.

The music game is harder than ever before, just like life. The winners are rolling in dough and everybody else is worrying about buying a hamburger.

Even the middle level acts, who don't have a label anymore, the one that used to get them on the radio when very few had that privilege, which got them to rise above.

Used to be if your major label release didn't get on the radio, you knew you had a hard slog, as we entered the eighties, it oftentimes meant that your career was dead on arrival. Make money? You were already looking for a day job.

But today people with no radio airplay and no major label effort keep complaining that they're not making enough dough. As if the game didn't change, as if they had risen above and the rug was pulled out from under them.

But the truth is no one's got time for these acts except their fans, everybody else doesn't care. If you don't have a hit, not only do you have no money, you've got few fans. But somehow it's not your fault.

So if you want to win at the music game know that it requires not only time and effort, but money. You've got to do what most other people won't. And that does not mean a publicity stunt. You've got to legitimize yourself.

The truth is EVERYBODY deletes the spam e-mails about the unknown bands. The musicians feel good sending them, but there's absolutely no impact, zero. Because everybody knows that you did it for free.

Most YouTube clips are barely watched.

Most music is barely listened to.

But somehow, as opposed to yesteryear, everybody believes they're entitled to attention and riches.

The truth is Google and Facebook are so damn rich they can provide all these spamming services for free. E-mail is free. Everything is free, including your music!

How can you complain your music is free when you're taking advantage of all the free services to make it and spread the word about it?

The truth is the money is elsewhere.

And it's always about the money.

If you're making none, it's your fault. Stick around, get really good, tweak your act and get someone to invest in it and then maybe you'll have a chance.

Otherwise, stay in school.


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Monday 7 July 2014

Rules

THERE ARE NO RULES IF SOMETHING IS GREAT

"I cried when I wrote this song
Sue me if I play too long"

"Deacon Blues"
Steely Dan

There were no singles on "Aja." Fans didn't want a jazz-influenced rock album. But "Aja" sold prodigiously upon release and is considered a classic today despite breaking all the rules.

"Don't bore us, get to the chorus."

"No one wants albums."

"It's got to sound like Top Forty."

All of the foregoing are irrelevant if something is truly great. We've got unlimited time for great. The rules don't apply.

Unfortunately, all the great today comes in tech. Take this year's stories, Uber and Airbnb. Ask a million people and no one would come up with them. That's the trick, to give people what they want when they don't know it. To turn all preconceptions on their heads. It's the essence of art, which is why we're living in a bankrupt era today, no one is testing limits.

But we're always ready for those who are.

PIRACY IS IRRELEVANT

If you're talking about piracy, it shows you don't know the game. As Michael Eisner once said, 10% of the public will never pay, ignore them. These are the same people who borrowed albums to tape who never bought one. They've always lived outside the system. Most people are ready, willing and able to pay if you give them a reasonable option to do so. Yes, you can steal all the music, but why would you, when you can just click on YouTube and there it is! As for those hoarding MP3s and CDs for some coming electrical apocalypse...are you also worried that YouTube will break, that everything will go kablooey?

Furthermore, if there's no juice, your LPs won't play either.

Everybody's moved on to the access model except the musicians. The labels, the audience... If you're bitching about it, you're demonstrating your ignorance.

PEOPLE WANT TO BE FANS

People need something to believe in. And when they find it, they've got unlimited money to spend on it. That's the essence of KISS. You may hate 'em, but there's a cadre of people who love 'em.

In other words, if you're not getting rich, chances are people don't believe in you. That's the essence of social media, conveying your identity, not your tour schedule. But the music is enough if the music is great. No amount of tweeting will make a stiff record a hit, and a hit record doesn't need tweets, at least not by its maker.

Instead of bitching that people won't pay, concoct products and experiences that your fans want to give you money for. But just because some people want to give you all their money, that does not mean anybody else wants to give you a penny. You can raise a million dollars on Kickstarter but everybody who didn't pledge doesn't care a whit.

PUBLICITY INFLAMES THAT WHICH IS A HIT

There's a myth that if people just knew about you, you'd be successful. But now, more than ever, with everything at people's fingertips, that is untrue. Publicity is about getting early adopters to check out your incredible product and make it go viral, to e-mail and text and Facebook and tweet about it. And others will be receptive because they've heard about it.

But you only get one bite at the apple.

If you're staging a huge publicity campaign, know that you don't get a second chance, not in our time-constrained world of a million options.

TV DOESN'T SELL RECORDS AND IT WON'T MAKE YOU A STAR UNLESS YOU'RE ALREADY ONE

No one is watching, no one cares, if you think a late night slot is your one big break get ready to go back to your day job. A TV appearance is just another thing that lives on the web for those who are interested to check out. It's a piece of the puzzle at best.

TRUTH RESONATES

Everybody is lonely, everybody is alienated. If you can encapsulate their feelings in a song you've got a good chance of making it. But this requires you to leave some blood in the file, to open the wound and get a ton of negative feedback from the snark patrol. You must be strong, you must realize that everyone will never like you, and that most of music is a fad but he or she who speaks their truth resonates forever, i.e. Joni Mitchell.

DON'T LIVE IN A BUBBLE

Robin Thicke had no idea people were against him.

But everybody knew he was seen as a one hit wonder and a cad.

By putting out his "Paula" album he misjudged his audience. First and foremost, there wasn't much of one. You can have a monster hit and have no fans, ever heard of Carly Rae Jepsen?

The blowback killed Thicke's album. It may be his truth, but no one else can relate, you mean you're rich and famous and hang with naked models, squeezing boobies, and now you're complaining your wife left you, what's up with that?

Never lose touch with your audience. It's cool to lead, but if you don't have people's hearts and minds to begin with, it could be a very cold journey.

So those who are proud of not e-mailing, not reading their reviews, not participating in social media...are missing the point. That is life today. It's equivalent to going to the mall in decades past. To make music and not be online is akin to producing television and not owning a TV.

NUMBER ONE MEANS LITTLE

Especially on the SoundScan chart. Every week there's a new one and the total is anemic. If your handlers tell you they're striving for a high debut get out of the deal, they're playing an old game, you're gonna get buried. Today it's all about sustaining, you don't need a one or two week play, like the publicity extravaganzas of the major labels, but a six or twelve month plan. How do you infect people's consciousness and stay there? Certainly not by debuting #1 and getting the "Times" to write about it.

As for radio number ones... What format? And didn't Mariah Carey eclipse the Beatles' radio record? That's like saying you're more successful than the World Series MVP because you've got more trophies in your bedroom, that you got for participating in Little League and AYSO.

People can't make sense of charts anymore. One cadre is all about what's happening now and another is about digging deep. So either your Iggy Azalea or Wilco. Numbers have nothing to do with it, it's all about music.

BE ON SPOTIFY

First and foremost you must be available. I don't listen to Sam Smith because he's not on Spotify, it's just that simple. And I get e-mail from people saying the same thing. So, the press says his record is selling... BUPKES!

It's about the long money, not the short. There's so little money in recorded music today that if you're making people jump through hurdles to hear it you're just leaving a ton of other money on the table. The real money is in touring and sponsorship. You want as big a pool as possible to be fans of your music so you can maximize the real dollars.

MISINFORMATION

Every week there's another person saying how they're getting screwed.

First and foremost, the music business has a history of screwing people.

Second, what was the deal?

You've got bad online royalties. But what is your deal with the label?

And if a musician could be a lawyer or an accountant, they would. In other words, they can't read their own deal.

Don't worry about what everybody else is making, just worry about what you're making. And ever notice you've never heard of the people complaining about online payments most? They're Grammy nominees but have no streams... Shows what the value of a Grammy nom or win is. That's just a way for those who don't count to keep score. Real artists keep score by the number of fans they have and the money they make, and they're not bitching about either.


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Sunday 6 July 2014

Choices

GUARANTEED WINNER

Top graduate at an Ivy League college.

Used to be we lived in a meritocracy, he who worked hardest and was smartest would rise to the top. That can occasionally happen today, but your best bet is to get yourself a pedigree. Something the upper middle class is fully aware of, and those below them are usually clueless about.

Do you know that most top-tier universities are need-blind? That means if you can get in but are broke, they pay. Yet seemingly nobody other than those who go know. So if you're a top graduate at nowheresville high school you believe you cannot afford the Ivy and just go to the state school and forever inhibit your future advancement.

There's nothing like the Ivies. And Stanford. Everything else is second-tier, even the vaunted University of Chicago.

The Ivies impress. Even better, they are useful networks, the graduates look after each other, take care of each other, till the end of life.

So if you want a guaranteed income... Go to the Ivy.

And that's what kids are looking for today, the smart ones, they don't want to be left behind, sure, they'd like a NetJet card and a gated community, but they're driven primarily by fear, that they'll lose out, be left on the bottom.

Yes, the top-tier Ivy graduates do better than those who end their four years on the bottom. But the truth is, as a result of grade inflation, no one looks that bad.

Graduate from the Ivy and you can get a job in finance. That's the number one exit strategy from the educational farm. And people do this because they want money. Everybody wants money. That's what all the poor artists are bitching about, that they can't make any money. The graduates of the Ivies ensure that they can.

LEFT FIELD WINNER

The entrepreneur.

It's a personality, you love risk. Entrepreneurs are no different from extreme sports stars, they do what most people will not, jump off cliffs without a net. So just because all your friends are entrepreneurs, just because you'd like to be one, that does not mean you can be. It's in the DNA more than a choice, but a choice is involved.

Entrepreneurs are willing to fail. And the most successful have had wins when competitors haven't even been playing. They're the ones who not only had lemonade stands, but sold baseball cards on eBay. Entrepreneurs know how to make money, they know it's all about money, and it's not about education as much as personality, and smarts.

Today's entrepreneurs are the artists of yesterday. The best and the brightest who will their success. Sure, entrepreneurs look for investment, but they rarely cry "woe is me." They know the game is hard, they work 'round the clock, they sacrifice lifestyle. They're everything today's musicians say they are but are not. And they know they could fail completely. But they're willing to take the risk.

PROFESSIONALS

May be every bit as smart as the entrepreneur, but their lives are ruled by fear, they want insurance. That's why they become doctors, lawyers or accountants. If you truly want to work in one of these fields, more power to you. But if you're doing it to be higher on the leaderboard in the financial and status game... Beware, the foundation is crumbling. This is not your baby boomer profession, wherein a doctor or lawyer is a winner as rich as anybody. MDs still make a good living, but the sky is not the limit, the goal of the government and insurers and patients is to keep costs down, and you're caught in this bind. As for attorneys... I hope you like the background, because your odds of getting a good gig are low. Legal research is farmed out to Asia. Corporations don't want to pay. It doesn't matter how much hard work you've put in, if you want there to be no limit, you've got to go into finance or be an entrepreneur.

SECOND TIER PLAYERS

Everybody who doesn't go to an Ivy, is not an entrepreneur and is not a professional. You're sold the bill of goods that a college education will improve your lot, when the truth is it will only get you the job when you're competing against high school graduates.

Chances are you'll get out of school with no opportunities and be living in your parents' basement. Which is why so many of these people go to graduate school, increasing debt for just a marginally better chance to get a job.

If you're going to college to get a job, take a series of courses that are practically applicable. Sure, you can win if you're a liberal arts major, but it will be much harder. Graduate in computer science. Take the hard courses. Because the truth is the hard courses weed everybody else out, and if you make it through you've got opportunities.

SECOND TIER PLAYERS 2

You're not doomed, it's just that your path is harder. You're now going to have to do the hard work you may not have done in high school. In other words, you're going to have to work for the corporation and work your way up. You're going to have to use your smarts, your wiles and learn how to play the politics. Not everybody running a Fortune 500 company went to an Ivy or is an entrepreneur. You've got a long climb ahead of you and very few make it past middle management. If you do, the financial rewards can be extreme. Good luck!

P.S. If you take this route, you'll probably want to take a break to get an MBA, wherein the contacts you make will aid your career forever more.

COLLEGE DROPOUTS

Kanye made it, that does not mean you will.

What are you thinking?

Furthermore, how do you expect to succeed in life when you can't even complete community college?

Everything your parents told you is true. Life is long. High school winners are oftentimes adult losers. So, it takes years, so you've got to go into debt, welcome to reality. If you can't get a college degree, you're a loser forced to work for minimum wage or become an entrepreneur. And chances are, you're not the entrepreneur listed above. I'm just telling you this for your own good. To give you a leg up. Before you burden yourself with so many obligations, a spouse and children, that you root yourself to the past and cannot succeed in the future.

HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE

You didn't get the memo. No one in your life told you how it is, how the game is played. Or maybe you're a rebel. But there is no cause anymore.

But you believe you can win the lottery. That's what a Top Forty music career is.

In other words, just because you can try out for the "Voice," that does not mean you'll win, never mind have a career.

Sure, some people do. And some people win in Vegas. Do you feel that lucky?

ARTISTS

An overused word frequently employed by those who have not succeeded/won in any other category. Once upon a time it was a reasonable career path. Today, Rivers Cuomo becomes a rock star and THEN goes back to Harvard!

So you've got a mixtape. You're good with beats. But what separates you from everybody else?

That's what an Ivy League education does, separate you from everybody else. In a country of 300 million, you don't want to be limited to your good looks and charm, those are a dime a dozen.

Furthermore, since these "artists" are not in school or working, they're all over social media developing their "brand." Trying to up their YouTube subscriptions, believing if they just try harder, they'll make it.

But most won't. Because they're not that talented and they don't understand the game.

It's a business. Companies don't need you, they just need someone. George Michael got into a fight with Columbia Records, the company won, both in court and in truth. Because Columbia survives and George Michael never had another hit. The company had to teach artists a lesson. Tommy Mottola needed to get rich.

BOTTOM LINE

It's not the sixties anymore, nor the eighties or nineties.

Today life is rough. There are winners and losers. The middle class is shrinking. Which is why all those with a brain want to ensure they don't end up on the wrong side of the divide.

As for those who create breakthroughs, it's always by not playing the game. In other words, if you've got no college degree, your music better not sound like anybody else's. Same deal with tech. We don't need a new smartphone OS, we need something we can't even fathom.

Baby boomers were drifters. Part of a large, egalitarian "Woodstock Generation" wherein unions still existed and we were all supposedly equal, we could all get a job and pay our bills.

Now a lot of these boomers have been laid off and can't get a gig, never mind their children.

It's every man for himself in America today. If you're coasting, you're losing ground. You've got to decide on your goals at a very young age and then work tooth and nail to achieve them. You've got to separate yourself out, you've got to rise above.

And know that today everything comes down to money. The rich people who make it and the poor people who desire it. Sure, you can be an itinerant musician known by few, but just don't bitch that you can't make a living, because the problem is you, you didn't understand the game.

And the game, once again, is money. That's all anybody cares about. That's all anybody bitches about. Everybody wants more.

There is no safety net, no haven for losers. You're either on the road to success or the scrapheap.

And the winners know this.

Everybody else should understand.


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