Friday 7 March 2014

Rhinofy-Al Kooper Primer

THIS DIAMOND RING

You know the Gary Lewis & the Playboys version, but Al envisioned it as a horn-fueled soul number and recorded it on his album "Act Like Nothing's Wrong," check it out.

LIKE A ROLLING STONE

Yes, that's Al's organ on the supposed #1 rock single of all time. He's told the story many times of how he planned to play guitar but was intimidated by Michael Bloomfield and sidled up to the organ when Tom Wilson wasn't looking and Dylan liked what resulted. The saying is "You've got to have friends," even more you've got to have BALLS!

I CAN'T KEEP FROM CRYING SOMETIMES

Back when music was not free, there were certain albums you'd see in bedrooms that you didn't own but realized were important, like the Blues Project's "Projections." Their take on Blind Willie Johnson's composition...was a sixties classic.

FLUTE THING

But this was the most famous Blues Project song, written by Kooper and featuring Andy Kulberg's flute. This track could be just as successful today. Be sure to check out Seatrain's cover...

I CAN'T QUIT HER

Cowritten with his "This Diamond Ring" compatriot, Irwin Levine, "I Can't Quit Her" explodes out of the speakers and knocks you dead in a way that Bruno Mars can only dream of.

It begins with a piano figure, but the horns come in and seal the deal.

This is musical, melodic in a way today's hits are not.

Then again, this initial Blood, Sweat & Tears album fronted by Kooper was not a hit, but it's the only one that counts. The second, fronted by David Clayton Thomas, featured all the hits, but it's been completely forgotten and only "Child Is Father To The Man" remains in the cognoscenti's mind. It's pure magic. If you don't know it, you'll be stunned music was so good back in 1968.

MY DAYS ARE NUMBERED

A Kooper original no one ever talks about, this is the kind of track that drove the "album cut" mantra. Just imagine lying on your bedroom floor listening to this on headphones...I did!

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW

Donny Hathaway had the cover of this Kooper original, but despite having a superior voice, BS&T's take is better, because no one can compete with the original version sung by the original writer...they feel it!

SO MUCH LOVE

But this is a cover, of a Goffin/King composition.

There are multiple versions, most notably Dusty Springfield's from her "Dusty In Memphis" album, but none of them hits. But this is not only my favorite take, but my favorite track on the album, because it's a perfect closer, they throw in everything but the kitchen sink, Kooper, the backup girls, the horns, and build it up and then break it down. Exquisite!

SEASON OF THE WITCH

It was just a Donovan cut, but Al Kooper and Stephen Stills made it legendary. It's eleven minutes long. It came out the same time as the Band's "Big Pink," but for some reason it hasn't been remembered.

The "Super Session" formula would still work today, in our live-centric world. Put Eddie Van Halen or Derek Trucks in a room with Joey DeFrancesco and Lady Gaga and have them perform covers...and watch it become classic, because music can still triumph, if it's about music. Put it on YouTube and watch the counter roll.

IT TAKES A LOT TO LAUGH, IT TAKES A TRAIN TO CRY

Completely different from Dylan's original.

Yes, I love the Stills side of "Super Session" better. Call me a heretic!

STOP

From the Bloomfield side.

It's classic, but equally is good is the James Gang's rendition on their debut, "Yer' Album."

Yes, Bloomfield could wail. Listen.

YOU DON'T LOVE ME

For the phaser if nothing else!

This was metal before Metallica, when it was not about speed, but heaviness.

Yes, this has a killer riff, once again from the Stephen Stills side.

DEAR MR. FANTASY

Hard to believe, but for years this was the definitive version, Traffic's initial LP had almost no traction, the original has only grown with time. Great organ effects, and listen to when the vocal mic cuts out and the room mic picks Al up.

I STAND ALONE

It swings!

For those of us who were waiting, and I certainly was, Al was finally up front and center and this title track delivered.

HEY WESTERN UNION MAN

You can hear the telegraph!

I was unaware of the Jerry Butler original, Al turned me on to this classic, he always had great taste.

This cut is an absolute killer. It locks into the groove and doesn't let go, the horns have you throwing your arms in the air, it's a masterpiece of arranging. Listen.

TOE HOLD

And check out this Isaac Hayes/David Porter composition too. Al may be white, but he's got soul!

COLOURED RAIN

Overproduced but not to the point of tragedy, this is a Traffic cover for those of us who hadn't bought Winwood's group's original LP. But after this, the Kooper/Bloomfield cover of "Dear Mr. Fantasy" and Three Dog Night's version of "Heaven Is In Your Mind," I had to own it.

MAGIC IN MY SOCKS

The opening cut off of Al's second solo LP was unavailable in the U.S. until the advent of streaming services...

YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE

Ain't that the truth, the title cut from the second solo.

TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT MY BABY

Another soul cover, more obvious than what had come previously, but Al still knocks it out.

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

Yes, that's Al playing the French horn on the Stones classic, making him a classic too. Come on, you know the interlude...

BRAND NEW DAY

From 1970's double album, "Easy Does It," this cut was featured in the Hal Ashby film "The Landlord," which sank like a stone, so did this cut.

COUNTRY ROAD

That's how big James Taylor was, Al covered him.

SWEET HOME ALABAMA

Yes, Al produced "Free Bird," but before the initial LP came out, Al got a call from Lynyrd Skynyrd saying they wanted to come into the studio to cut another track. That turned out to be "Sweet Home Alabama," which wasn't released until long after, but not because it was not a hit, Al knew it was a smash from the moment he heard it. That's the power of a hit single.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE?

Ah, to jet back to 1975, when the Tubes were one of the biggest bands in Los Angeles. Sure, "White Punks On Dope" had an impact, but it was this number that cemented the band's credibility and career. If you've never heard it, you'll be stunned that something so smart and so good could get airplay on America's radio stations. Well, not all of them, but those in L.A., and the Tubes ended up being big in the U.K., but they didn't break through over here until Kooper was long gone and David Foster was king, but if you want the original sauce, dial this in, the Tubes sacrificed their shot at legendary stardom when they parted with Al Kooper.

Spotify link: http://spoti.fi/1idDK1p


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Thursday 6 March 2014

Right Wing Nutjobs

Nobody realizes they're traceable online. That they're leaving a constant trail of digital cookies delineating their thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.

If I told you hate mail did not bother me I'd be lying.

But keeping all my e-mail, I look back and it turns out this person has been calling me a doodyhead, but with much worse language, from back when the century was still in single digits. If every e-mail you've ever sent tells me what a loser I am, I know I can dismiss everything you have to say.

But even worse are the right wing nutjobs.

Yes, that's what they are. You write anything that squares with the Democratic agenda, or a left wing position, and you hear from these people, again and again and again. It's astounding, you go back through years of e-mail and you realize whenever you hit the topic, they hit you back.

They're working the refs. Trying to silence those with contrary opinions.

That's their job.

I'm unaware of this behavior on the left. Then again, I'm now going to hear from these same crazies telling me I'm wrong.

But what is truly astounding is you can look up the rantings and ravings of these same people online. That's the power of Google.

Yes, when someone sends me something particularly heinous, I look them up.

And it turns out I'm not their only victim, they've written letters to the editor on the exact same subject, saying how the right wing does not get a break, that we're moving towards socialism and the country is going to hell in a hand basket.

Call me crazy, but I think everyone is entitled to food on their plate, a roof over their head, an education and a good start. And if you believe everybody in America has got that today, you're delusional.

Then again, that's how the music has changed. The Youngbloods used to sing about getting together, John Lennon was all about love, and today it's all about mine for me, and I could trace it back to Ronald Reagan, but then I'd get that e-mail once more...there you go again, Bob.

But this is not about my inability to take criticism, this is not about politics, this is about the ignorance of people who don't realize no one's anonymous any longer.

Now the truth is if you randomize your e-mail address, use an assumed name, you're immediately discounted and forgotten. Because that's so AOL circa 1998. With Facebook playing with real names, with no one paying attention to the Twitter feeds of those utilizing their real monikers, we don't have time for fakes.

Furthermore, unless you're immediately taking yourself out of the game by using a different anonymous e-mail address every time you send a missive, you're findable.

Yup, if you use the same anonymous e-mail every time...

It shows up on Google. We can triangulate, we can discover who you are.

I've looked up every girl I ever kissed, every girl I ever had sex with, do you think I can't find you?

It's not only the government. I don't need texts, I don't need subpoenas or have to break the law. Your complete history is sitting there in plain sight, for anybody to discover.

But the truth is most people don't care.

That's the scourge of today's society. For all the talk of social networks, most people are still alone with no economic mobility and they hate those who've risen above, whether their status is earned or not.

That's the e-mail that cracks me up the most. People telling me how to do my job, the frequency with which I should hit send, that I should stop completely. THIS IS AN OPT-IN MAILING LIST! I never signed you up, you receive it at no cost and you can sign off any time with a click. But somehow you think I should be listening to you tell me how to do it?

Hysterical.

But it's not only me.

Musical artists listen to their most vocal critics and change direction even though their silent fans are happy with where they're going.

And left wingers are afraid to speak up because the same right wing nuts are going to shout them down.

The truth is, if you can't handle abuse, you're going to have a hard time in modern society.

Because so many feel held down with no opportunity, they're angry, they want to feel powerful, by putting others down or shutting them up.

In other words, it's about you, not them.

So rant away. Splurge online. Lay down your thoughts.

But don't think you deserve any attention.

And know that you're building a permanent record that could haunt you for the rest of your life.

Now that's scary.


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Lunch With Daniel Ek

It's about the data and the footprint.

In other words, the more information you have, the fewer mistakes you make, and if you're America-centric, you're gonna get your butt kicked by those who see the entire world.

Music is a dumb business.

Technology is not.

Musicians know the least about everything in life other than what they do. Which may be the result of total dedication to their craft. In other words, if you're not doing it myopically, you won't make it. But to listen to artists rail about the future and payment is to listen to uninformed crybabies wailing. You learn not to take children out of the crib. Leave the artists there too.

As for businessmen... It's all about relationships and intimidation and the music business did not see the technologists coming, they're still having their lunch eaten by people who see a future they cannot.

Like Daniel Ek.

I'm not saying Daniel is a rip-off artist hoodwinking the labels, he's got to play fair, because he needs their licenses. But living in Sweden, where the Internet connection is screaming, and growing up in the land of tech, he just sees things a bit differently.

Kind of like Pandora.

No one can compete with them because of their data.

You see every time you log on to Pandora, the service learns more about you. To the point that no one else can compete. Their suggestions are going to be better. Sure, you don't want to leave the same way you don't want to abandon Sprint for Verizon, but the truth is you're getting better service from Pandora, and despite all the press being about royalties, the reality is no one can compete with the service they're delivering. Certainly not Apple, whose iTunes Radio has had no impact since the launch date.

Kind of like BeatsMusic. You log on, check it out, and then...

You see Jimmy Iovine lives in the land of marketing, but the kings of tomorrow live in the land of data.

Spotify never launches a product that fails, because they've tested it long before it launches. Yes, up to 150,000 users might be employing new features without knowing it. So by time Spotify rolls the feature throughout the world, they know it's going to gain acceptance, they know it's going to work.

Kind of like free mobile access.

The company had more sign-ups in the one month they launched it than they did in the previous eleven. But they knew that, the data told them that in the test.

In other words, while the record labels are still dependent upon CDs, Spotify is multiple steps ahead.

Can anybody compete with them?

The labels certainly think so, because they're ignorant as to the winner take all nature of the web. Where one company dominates, whether it be Google, Amazon or Facebook. If you think we're going to have multiple streaming services per territory, you believe the history of the Internet will be upended, and the data shows us otherwise.

As for Amazon... They'd be profitable if they didn't spend $3 billion in China and $2 billion on entertainment rights.

Yes, Daniel Ek gave me that perspective, when I asked him about the profitability of Spotify. Were they going to be chasing the elusive profit for years, or...

If Amazon was interested in satiating its critics, it could stop spending on tomorrow and deliver the numbers everybody wants today, but it might not triumph in the future.

It's all about triumphing in the future.

Spotify's in so many countries around the world that you're probably unaware some of them exist. They're not in Japan, where people subscribe to rental kiosks, wherein they bring the CD home, rip it, and return it for another. Because the rights holders will not deliver reasonable terms. And there's no YouTube.

There's no music on YouTube in Germany, so Spotify subscriptions are huge.

In Scandinavia, they're running in excess of 10% of the population, paying.

And now they're part of Apple's CarPlay. And Android's automobile play too. Spotify is platform agnostic. And over the course of this year, Spotify chips will be embedded in so many entertainment devices, so your boom box or speaker will know what you were listening to last, and will play it on the touch of a button, or a command from your phone, streaming directly from the Internet, or your phone.

And the truth is Sonos streaming is hard.

Yes, Sonos is the streaming kahuna. Because it has figured out both hardware and software. That's how Apple succeeded. It's sill the recipe for modern success. You can build the chip, but can you build in the delay from speaker to speaker? Can they speak to each other?

And Bluetooth might rule in units, but does the sonically superior Sonos garner all the revenue?

This is very different from play my record because I made it. The pure intimidation paradigm the business has historically run upon.

Daniel Ek is building a service so good, that you'll want to pay for it and not abandon it.

Will Beats go free? Will it sell itself to Apple or Amazon?

Maybe. That's Jimmy's out. Because he's exhausted his marketing power. People tried out Beats and abandoned it. The curation is cool for a couple of days, but then you're done.

Or, we could have the ongoing discussion about how Spotify rips off artists and kills music dead.

But that's only for musicians. Labels are making a fortune from streaming services. Are they passing most of it on to artists? No. But that's not the streaming services' fault.

And streaming kills piracy. It's just not worth the effort.

And streaming is not only what the public wants, but what it's already embraced.

Spotify's vision is to have your music follow you everywhere. So it can be called up with the touch of a button.

As for the ability to sync only 3,333 tracks to your mobile handset...that's not technology speaking, that's rights holders speaking, they imposed that limit. Which might ultimately be lifted.

So Spotify wants to be in Japan. And China. And India. But most of the major territories are already covered, so profitability is imminent. Then again, there's constant reinvestment in the product. To make sure it doesn't hiccup, to make sure it delivers what you want. People rarely tolerate bugs anymore. They expect it to work, right away and forever. It's all about scale.

As for the purchase of Echo Nest... It's about predicting what people want to listen to. And that company with 70 employees was founded by M.I.T. people in Boston.

So techies have taken over the world.

That's the story of this decade.

The aughts were all about the freak-out, the disruption, the casting aside of the baby boomers who believed it was about going to lunch as opposed to knowledge.

But now it's all about tools. He who has the best wins.

And you ensure loyalty via data.

It's no different from Billy Beane and the Oakland A's.

You've got to collect the numbers and sift through them.

Which is why booking bands is cool.

But agents and promoters will be utilizing software to determine who plays and at what price in the future.

So either get on the bandwagon or get out of the way.

And know if you want to know what's going on, a meal with expensive wine tastes good, but you're probably gonna learn a lot more by lunching with the guy in a t-shirt.


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Cowboys and Indies

Would Bob Dylan have made it without Albert Grossman?

I just read a new music industry book entitled "Cowboys and Indies," which will be published in June. I doubt it will be a runaway success, unlike "Hit Men," it contains no bombshells. But it does add a deeper layer of insider knowledge to the stories all of us fans have heard over the years. But does anybody under the age of thirty care that the indies threw in the towel, unable to play the majors' game?

Yes, a huge focus of the book is on Chris Blackwell and Jerry Moss, and their ultimate decision to sell out. Distribution and radio promotion killed them, the playing field was not level.

But what truly intrigued me was the history long before I was born, starting in the middle of the nineteenth century, with the birth of recording devices. You see...the business has been forever filled with characters suing to get their own way. Hustlers abound. In other words, what happened after the Beatles was not new.

But what has been sticking in my brain is the story of Bob Dylan. How he was desperate, begging Carolyn Hester for more gigs, and ultimately signed by John Hammond when she agreed to let Dylan perform on her album.

As for the result, Dylan's initial LP? It sold 1,300 copies. That was a disaster then, just as it still is today.

But Hammond wanted to do another, although he was not encouraged from above.

But then came Albert Grossman.

Dylan eventually parted ways with the manager, but that was long after his sixties success.

Dylan convinced Hammond he was an orphan, that he had no mother and father to co-sign his underage contract. Dylan said to trust him.

Big mistake. Albert got involved and wanted to void the contract.

Hammond was pissed, a member of the gentry, he believed in being upfront and honest. But Hammond and Columbia caved. And Bob Dylan became one of the biggest stars in music history.

That initial album was almost all covers. Dylan was just another character. But Grossman gave Dylan space. And convinced his clients Peter, Paul and Mary to cover "Blowin' In The Wind."

It was a surprise when Dylan broke through with "Like A Rolling Stone." Most of us knew him as a writer, if we knew him at all.

But Albert Grossman made the wholesome Peter, Paul and Mary stars at the tail end of the folk boom and he utilized the work of his unknown client to seal the deal.

Behind every star is a manager. Who knows better than to see himself as a musician. Whose expertise lies in career planning, in clearing the way for his artist to create, and be handsomely compensated for his work. You may not know their names, but without these managers, you probably wouldn't know the names of their clients.

Then there's the curious story of Ken Kragen. Who made Trisha Yearwood, Travis Tritt and Gallagher stars. All of whom fired him, all of whom fell off the edge without him.

You think it's about acts and labels and radio, but the truth is behind every superstar there is a visionary, looking to build and protect his charge so he can gain his commission.

Albert Grossman has been almost completely forgotten.

But Todd Rundgren gained success on his label after blanking out with the Nazz.

Grossman managed Gordon Lightfoot. And the Band. And Janis Joplin.

Sure, Grossman went to college, but he didn't study the music business, he graduated in economics.

He started off as a club owner.

And he put Peter, Paul and Mary together!

So renegotiating with Albert Grossman was the best thing John Hammond ever did. Sure, he paid more, but like that old Billy Preston hit says...nothing from nothing leaves nothing. You can have a brilliant contract, but if you've got no sales, you're going to have no income.

Albert Grossman built Bob Dylan. Columbia Records helped.

And Dylan probably wouldn't have gotten more than his initial chance if Grossman hadn't become involved.

Because Dylan could create his character and hustle, but he could not be his own best advocate. Because you can't negotiate for yourself and it's rare that a great artist is a great businessman.

A great manager gives his client room to grow. Builds him up while softly criticizing. Keeps him on the path. Takes the long view.

Did Grossman rip off Dylan?

I'll let you decide.

But without him, there'd be little to steal.

"Cowboys and Indies: The Epic History of the Record Industry": http://us.macmillan.com/cowboysandindies/GarethMurphy


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Wednesday 5 March 2014

Thoughts

OSCAR RATINGS

The best since 2000, so we can't evaluate the show on a quality level. That's the modern world, if it sells, if it makes money, if it gets good ratings, it's review proof.

But that is not benefiting our society. Without honest evaluation our culture suffers. Do we really want to make the bankers king and be beholden to the almighty dollar?

PUTIN

It's complicated, and it's scary, and it's so different from the U.S. because all these countries are right up next to each other and interdependent. I saw the wall fall, I saw Communism replaced by capitalism, but now it's kind of like that Talking Heads song, same as it ever was... Or is it "Life During Wartime"?

OUT OF THE LOOP

Once upon a time I knew everything. Now today I'm unaware what's number one, I don't watch every TV show and I feel out of the loop. On one hand it's age, I don't care anymore. On another, it's the lack of having children, who tend to keep us informed, but now everything is fodder, grist for the mill, you're somebody today and nobody tomorrow, our culture is no longer cohesive. Used to be a pop star would come along and cement us all together, but that won't be Bruno Mars, he's good but he doesn't stand for anything. And it won't be Rick Ross, because at this late date a whole swath of Americans have decided they don't like the decades old hip-hop and can't be reached with it, and it won't be white college kids staring at their shoes warbling with bad voices. The only people hewing to the basics are the Top Forty acts employing the hit songwriters, who are old men providing a service as opposed to delivering something to stand for.

WHATSAPP

Last week's news. Or was it the week before? Used to be hits lasted for months. Oh, they do on radio, which is all about advertising and afraid to take a risk, but if you believe radio is driving our culture you probably don't use a smartphone.

OBAMA

If he's the leader of the free world, why doesn't he lead?

What a disappointment.

HEALTH CARE

It's happening, get over it.

JERRY BROWN

Experience counts. Which is why Max Martin and Dr. Luke write the hits and the youngsters don't. Experience teaches you the landscape, develops your instincts and intuition, which is why outsiders never make it in the music business, from Andy Lack to Roger Faxon to Steven Cooper, because they can't feel a hit. It's a dirty business, and if you can't feel it between your legs, if you don't need it, you're not gonna last.

iTUNES RADIO

Single-handedly proved that Apple no longer controls the future of music distribution. Will they buy BeatsMusic to get a leg up? (That's Jimmy's only play, he can't beat Spotify the same way your Tumblr can't beat the "New York Times." Oh, let me make it simple... Spotify is willing to lose more money to make it. And success on a big level is all about deficit financing. He who can spend to achieve his long term goal will most likely achieve it.)

TELEVISION

We're addicted to story. YouTube doesn't deliver this. Whoever does wins. Forever.

TIME WARNER/COMCAST

Just like American Airlines/US Airways. They'll divest until the government is happy, then the merger will go through.

BOOK OF MORMON

What kind of crazy world do we live in where a static play lasts longer than any record. One in which the creators take chances and blow an audience away that can't stop talking about it. Furthermore, did you notice the winner of the Best Original Song Oscar for "Frozen" got his start with "Avenue Q"? Could we be seeing a renaissance of musical theatre? No, because it's too expensive and investors only want sure shots, just like in the movie business. But we did get "Book Of Mormon." If only it had a hit song...

SOCIAL SECURITY

The story isn't how it's gonna run out, but that you just can't live on it. Too many baby boomers never saved for a rainy day and they're gonna be shocked to find out they can't even afford the five o'clock special.

MOBILE

The future is phablets.

Bottom line, you need access. A traditional smartphone screen is too small and anything larger than an iPad Mini is too big. We want to be connected all the time, we want utility in this experience all the time. Women and nerds are leading the charge. Women because they can carry their devices in purses and nerds because they're unafraid of looking...nerdy, carrying around large screens. Large screens are de rigueur amongst business titans...they want their whole world at their fingertips, so do you. In other words, we live in a mobile world, the big screen is fading...

JOHN MAYER

You fired your manager because you wanted a hit and then you two-timed America's sweetheart, at least that's what the gossip pages say. You probably can never have another hit single anyway, but if you want one...rehabilitate your image, either keep it in your pants or settle down with one woman and do some charity work while you're at it.

STATUS

Means less the older you get. But it's everything to the youngster. If you can sell status, you'll make a mint.

THE PHOTO

Has replaced the t-shirt. Once upon a time you evidenced your loyalty by wearing a band's t-shirt, now you just post a pic of yourself, hopefully with the act, at the gig. Could merch go the way of the ringtone?

CARS

Baby boomers care, their children do not. They don't know what the horsepower is and don't need to know. Hell, many don't need a car at all. I guess that's the exponent of being able to connect with others without leaving the house.

FOOD

It's cheap and it's easy, as Foghat so eloquently sang. But did you ever notice it's all about the best in food, but it's rarely about the best in music? We're just not shooting high enough.

TASTEMAKERS

Howard Stern testified about Verizon Wireless today, and he's just a user, not an endorser. Tastemakers are more important than ever, since we live in a world of cacophony and want others to make sense of it for us. He who has credibility is king. In other words, all this hogwash about selling out...dollars are exchanged, but it doesn't move the needle, it doesn't change people's perceptions.

LANDLINES

Suffer from lack of investment. The owners are pushing us to mobile and Internet telephony the same way Detroit killed the trolleys.

CUTTING THE CORD

A delusion. Internet access will go up in price while TV channels will go down. Your provider has got you by the balls. Your only option is competition. May Google Fiber come to your town.

EDUCATION

It's about learning a state of mind, how to analyze problems, not memorizing facts and acing tests.

MOOCS

Dead, because no one not in college wants to put in the time to learn, other than a handful of people who've already graduated from college.

NETFLIX

The king of curation. They feature that which everybody has agreed you want to see. It's the blockbuster principle in action. With everything available, we gravitate to the best, and more and more we gravitate to the same stuff. This week's tip? "Chasing Ice." The images alone will make you a believer in climate change.


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Courtside Seats

I watched a lot of basketball in my lost decade, from the day my ex moved out until the Internet came along and rescued me.

You've got to understand, the Lakers are L.A. religion. Till he blew himself up, both literally and figuratively, Kobe Bryant was the most powerful and popular person in Los Angeles. The movers and shakers came to him, not vice versa.

But I stopped paying attention.

It wasn't the move to Staples Center so much as the retirement of Michael Jordan. I'd seen the best, did I really have to waste so much time thereafter?

It's really about the playoffs. You start watching sometime in April and you don't emerge from the darkness until June. And sure, there's a bunch of garbage time during the regular season, but the closer you get to the end, the harder it is to tune out, you never know when Reggie Miller will be a thorn in your side.

But that was years ago. I'm aware of LeBron, but I wanted my life back. I stopped paying attention.

Last Friday night I went to my first game...in Staples Center. I pulled my car up to valet parking, for $200 a pop, and ran into a new friend on the way in. I never pegged him as a roundball fan, but he revealed he had courtside seats!

And on Saturday, he e-mailed me, did I want them?

But let's get back to Friday. Sitting in the box of a household name entertainer, I was so far from the action that I stayed engaged in conversation, getting details, as to the six figure cost of this space.

Yes, major league sporting events are not for the poor. Not in person. That's why they're televised. In truth, it's just like the days of yore, the Roman Colosseum, it's entertainment for the rich.

And last night I experienced it.

Turns out if you buy a floor seat, you get a discount on valet parking, it's $130 a pop.

But the people sitting alongside me can afford it. People like Jeffrey Katzenberg, Joel Silver...

As for the TV stars, I doubt they own their seats. I figure the studio gave Christopher Meloni his. And Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis theirs.

And they weren't as good as ours.

You're immediately separated from the riff-raff. You take an elevator into the bowels of the arena where your ticket is checked numerous times, the security is as tight as the White House, and then...

You emerge onto the floor.

That's the most amazing thing about it. Your feet are right on the wood. Your chair is on the rubber covering the ice, you can feel the cold.

So, these giants are pushing the ball around, warming up. And that's what they are, so tall you realize the barrier to entry is height, and no mere mortal is gonna make it.

And then there's the infrastructure. The scout sitting nearby, a woman with a Spalding notebook featuring the same skin as the ball. And the TV commentator with heels higher than she. And Stu Lantz in his suit... I've been around famous people, but sports are different. It's more...everybody.

So the game begins. And the Lakers fall behind almost instantly. After all, they're in last place.

But the Pelicans are not much better. Still, they pull ahead by double digits.

So I'm studying the Laker Girls, all of whom appear to be illegal. And in perfect shape. Not ultra-skinny, like the movie stars, but healthy, athletic. All smiling with too much makeup I couldn't help but wonder if this was the peak of their life, where they went from here.

And we were so close you couldn't read the scoreboard. That's right, we were part of the set, we were on TV.

So we hit halftime and Guy Oseary gets up to talk to Ashton and Mila, like they're all friends, like they all went to high school together.

And then Mila comes over to make nice with Jeffrey, who's finished his McDonald's and is yet to delve into his candied apple.

And I'm eating chicken tenders, taking it all in.

And then the game heats up. The Lakers come within four after being down by five times that number.

It's palpable. The vibe in the building has changed. People are standing. The guy behind us is trash-talking. The game has tightened up.

And it's then that I think of Bob Costas's quote, that sports are a metaphor for life.

This is not ski racing, or car racing, or so many other sports wherein equipment is key. This is just about sneakers and socks, basketball is pure.

And I'm thinking how most of these players will be done long before forty, their glory behind them, as well as the lease payments on their fancy cars, with no ring to evidence a championship.

But for this one extended moment, we're all in it together. We don't know how it turns out. We've got no edge. We're subject to the vagaries of life, the bounce of the ball, the traction of our shoes...

We lost.

And you could say it was disappointing.

But not really. The thrill was more palpable than any amusement park ride. Because this wasn't manufactured, but life.

Was it worth $2,750 a ticket?

You can decide.

Meanwhile, I'm waiting for Frank Robinson to clear the way so they can pull up my car and I can jet away before most people have located their rides.


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Tuesday 4 March 2014

Mailbag

From: Beau Willimon
Subject: From Beau Willimon (House of Cards)

Dear Bob,

Beau Willimon here - creator and show runner for HOC. My good friend Jordan Tappis got me hip to your Letters (which I have since subscribed to and devour rabidly every time one pops into my inbox). I just wanted to say that I was so humbled by and appreciative of the first Letter you wrote about early adopters and Netflix and the show. And delighted by the House of Cards Lessons Letter you sent out yesterday. You really get it - the show, the characters, what we're trying to do, and most importantly, the paradigmatic shift in TV. I can honestly say that no one has put it better than you, and for that I'm grateful. It's a big honor that you're a fan of the show. We're hard at work on Season Three, and I hope you enjoy it as much as the first two when it comes out. If you ever find yourself in the Baltimore area when we're filming, please do come visit set as my guest. I'd love to give you a tour of the stages, introduce you to the cast and have you join us and the crew for lunch.

All my best,
Beau

______________________________________

Subject: Re: Rhinofy-Millennium/Max Martin
Date: February 21, 2014 9:19:11 PM PST

From the moment I heard Robyn's Show Me Love, I knew...the guy's a genius. Plain and simple. Just like Einstein, Da Vinci and Edison. Then he gave Baby One More Time to Clive Calder for Britney and changed all of our lives. I love him like a brother. Not only talented beyond description, but literally the greatest guy ever. I can't say enough about him.

Larry Rudolph

______________________________________

From: Tom Rush
Subject: Re: The Mighty Storm

Bob,

My "Wasn't That a Mighty Storm" has only two chords, and I thought that was
pretty cool -- but PB Adams has me beat. ONE CHORD for 4 minutes and 22
seconds. We don't need no stinkin' changes!

Good track, thanks!

TR

______________________________________

Subject: truisms

hey bob,

i use pencils with erasers.

malcolm holcombe

______________________________________

Subject: Re: Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductees


I attended an industry event with Steve Perry a year ago, packed with "hip" and Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inducted musicians. Guess who everyone wanted to meet?? Steve F***in Perry from Journey. He was by far, the coolest guy in the room. The reality that the Hall has failed to see in the past is that acts like Journey have stood the test of time and that's what is really hip and cool.
I'm hoping now that with the huge fan and industry reaction to Rush last year, along with a truly deserving class of 2014, the people who bestow this honor have finally dismounted the high horse.

John Dittmar
Pinnacle Entertainment

______________________________________

From: Joe Taylor
Subject: RE: Turning The Tide

Agree re. music in schools. For me The Brit School has had a huge role in British music. Not only by educating some kids who turned into some of the biggest stars in the world, but also in changing the culture from a sort of shambling indie ethos where being too good a performer or musician was actually a barrier to media acceptance, to a culture that prizes good performance, interview technique, well constructed songs, all of that. There is a downside to all of this, but for me the upside is bigger - Britain is once again producing quality, mass appeal music that sells around the world.

Yours,

Joe

______________________________________

From: Nicholas Celeste
Subject: Re: Rhinofy-Todd Rundgren Primer

Dear Bob,

Thank you very much for recognizing the beauty and religion of of Todd Rundgren's music. Everyone should know about his greatness...if they didn't already...and that would be a shame. In saying that, it must be pointed out that although "Something/Anything?" was a perfect double album, performed entirely by Todd on 3 sides, the 4th side had the help of his friends. Although "Dust In The Wind" is a Todd classic, it should be mentioned that it was actually written by his friend and original Utopia keyboardist, Moogy Klingman. It was even (oddly) covered live 1993 outside the US by Guns N Roses with Axel Rose, being he was a Todd fan. Moogy was a great songwriter and even wrote the hit,"Friends," for Bette Midler, which Todd (I believe) was a part of her album from which it came. Moogy was ill and Todd recently reunited and toured with the original Utopia band with Moogy to raise medical funds for him. Unfortunately, during the tour, Moogy succumbed to his illness and passed away. Todd
is a "real man" and was a great friend to do that. Just wanted to give credit where credit is due. R.I.P. Mark "Moogy" Klingman.

Best,
Nick Celeste

Dust In The Wind - Todd and Utopia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1hSGWQx8rI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Em2M5T2hl80

Dust In The Wind - Guns N Roses
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SzWblRpAng

______________________________________

From: Glen Burtnik
Subject: Re: Rhinofy-Todd Rundgren Primer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS-64ce_bqE

Check out around 56:00

______________________________________

From: Dave Thorn
Subject: Re: Rhinofy-Todd Rundgren Primer

You're spot on Bob. He could write great stuff in his sleep.

Here's a quick story: last year's Philadelphia Folk Festival brought some rock to the event. Todd came with his band. No encores were allowed but he did one anyway. "I wrote this tune in a poor neighborhood in Philly - that HAS to be a folk song!". He went into Hello It's Me and the crowd loved it.

Next up was In The Pocket (http://songsinthepocket.org/), a loose bunch of Philly players headed by Davis Uosikkenen, the Hooters drummer. They record classic Philly tunes with part of the profits going to a local music school - it's good stuff. Todd came out and played Open My Eyes with them. The guy playing lead guitar is Steve Butler of Smash Palace (and my guitar teacher). Needless to say he was excited. ("I got to play with Todd") Over on the right is Rob Hyman of the Hooters and a bunch of the other guys.

Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrveUm0HlSg

______________________________________

From: Wendy Waldman
Subject: Re: The Barricades Of Heaven

you get it!

Blessed were we who lived through and in that brief golden age -- as are any people who live through any golden age-- history shows us glimpses of those rare moments. Ours was spectacular, was and is misunderstood, was and is immensely powerful culturally, is under explored and underrated-- but that's not even relevant. Like any golden age, from classical Greece to the Renaissance to Paris in the early 20th century to Hollywood in its prime-- you had to be there. The rest is myth.

you definitely pegged it-- I suspect because the music went right into your veins and caught you. Californians come from everywhere- some born here, most not. I think one day you just realize you're a Californian. You know exactly what I mean.

anyhow, thus passes OUR golden age and blessed were and are we to have been there. And long live the music, the spirit and the memory of all the wonderful people who swam in that exciting tide-- many gone now, and like all things we will follow-- but the sand and the chaparral and the streets will tingle for years to come with the electricity of our time there.

some of us became myths, some not, but we all built this together. I'm so glad you caught this moment.

written to you, like any self respecting old California hippy musician, with the sound of the waves out my door in Puerto Vallarta ...

xx
wwaldman

______________________________________

From: Christopher Kavanaugh
Subject: Damn you

Damn you, and facebook. As one of the wannabes, driving around the country in a stinking van for 10 years, add the 10 years before that building my style woodshedding, Spending 5 of those living in LA learning how the business worked. All I really learned from that was, Don't Play Covers and Don't Give Up. The people I saw who had any kind of success had played their own music at club, after club, after club, until finally they got their shot, some went to the top, others imploded on their own weight. So I'm finally recording, touring, doing OK for a while but I'm having nightmares about shows with no people, about spending endless days driving across deserts and tundra to get....

Never use drugs or drink before shows, that was the rule, nothing in the van and nothing when we practice but, but between the tours everything was OK. We lived nowhere, with no overhead, and easy access to everywhere, so living was easy, until it wasn't. When I finally gave up, I had to move to another state, I picked a place that seemed cool on tour, but I could no longer listen to music, I couldn't even pick up a guitar, even though I owned thousands of dollars of equipment, I couldn't face selling it and I couldn't touch it. Listening to music wasn't fun, all you heard was how its put together, like knowing how sausage was made, music had lost its taste.

It's been 19 years since my last show and I've started play guitar again, I've been giving my daughter lessons but, its not the same. Reconnected with some of the old people on Facebook but it's still not the same, never will be. The thing I know now, that when you're young, you don't know how slim your chances so you've gone on. Thanks for keeping the lights on.

Regards Chris

______________________________________

Subject: Re: American Hustle

Hi Bob,

I wanted to respond to another letter of yours. This time I agree completely with what you've said. It's true, no one makes history by following the rules. I was just reading about how Bill Graham would stand at the top of the stairs at Fillmore West, collect the concert tickets, and then run them down to the box office to resell the same tickets.

To speak on your point about music business school not being able to teach kids how to become the next David Geffen, I am a proud student in Drexel University's Music Industry Program. However, in just a year and a half of attending this program, I have noticed that the kids who are going to be making it big are the ones who are embarking on their own endeavors: recording their own albums and EPs; producing, engineering, mixing, and mastering their friends' music; starting their own production, publishing, and record companies; etc, etc, etc. If I wanted to make a name for myself at this school and in Philadelphia, I would have to do more than just follow the rules and get good grades.

Realizing this, I decided to finally start up my merchandising company. In just the two months that I've been working on it, I've made two really great sales, and I'm about to make a really big one this week, selling Homecoming t-shirts to the students at our Homecoming Dance Party concert. And the great thing about it is, there is hardly ever a risk. I make the shirts for X price, and sell them to the client/band/artist for X price times my profit margin, and I automatically make a profit. Then it's up to the artists to sell the shirt in an attempt to at least break even before their almost inevitable break-up. Sure, maybe it's somewhat scummy of me to capitalize on a band's merchandise needs, knowing that it will probably result in a loss for them. But as you pointed out, I guess maybe I'm just following in the footsteps of the founding fathers of the modern music industry.

Granted, I'm not that scummy, I do try to help promote the bands that I work with, and making a profit is just business. But I do understand how what I do and the profits that I make could be perceived as scummy or selfish.

That's all for now.

Sincerely,
Lauren Altman

______________________________________

From: Michael Krumper
Subject: Subject: Re: Rhinofy-Todd Rundgren Primer

I worked with Paul Fishkin product managing Poe at Atlantic, he's the best. The fact that "We Gotta Get You a Woman" was written for him is the ultimate; he could've stopped working right after Todd Rundgren wrote a song for him. It doesn't get much better. Then again, Fountains of Wayne did the same for my wife and I, so I guess that's close….

Fountains Of Wayne – Michael and Heather At The Baggage Claim: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bbi2QKaXrBY

Heather & I pretty much tear up every time we hear it, so we do so sparingly--a love song written for you by your favorite band is powerful stuff.

Here's the story: I managed the earliest version of FOW at Gold Mountain. They were named The Wallflowers back then, before they sold their name to Jakob Dylan for either 3 or 5K (Jakob says the former, Adam the latter). They were then called Pinwheel, and all their stuff was wistful, Aztec Camera/Prefab Sprout/Go-Betweens inspired. I had a batch of A&R people down to a Pinwheel showcase at CBGB, and no one bit. A lot of those demos are on "Out of State Plates"; I have a drawer full in my attic.

Then they recorded a demo as Fountains. It was around the time that Weezer broke, and I've always thought that inspired them to let the snark fly in their songs. The cassette had the first three songs on their debut on it, in order. By that point I was at Atlantic, and Steve Yegelwel and I brought the band in and signed them, I was their product manager.

At my bachelor party, Adam & Chris backed me up and we played as 'Fountains of Krumper' at a Tribeca bar. I (badly) sang "I've Been Waiting", the dB's "Big Brown Eyes", "Cynical Girl" and the Lemonheads' "Into Your Arms". Then Heather and I reprised it at our wedding; there's footage somewhere.

Thanks,

Mike

______________________________________

From: Ellen Ginsburg
Subject: RE: "Governor Christie Traffic Jam"

Are people really surprised Christie clogged a major artery?

______________________________________

From: Pugh Boy
Subject: Re: Christie

"Kind of like the plethora of Republicans who don't believe in evolution."

SO random. Sketchy theories like evolution are questionable Bob.


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Monday 3 March 2014

House of Cards Lessons

1. You Need A Partner

There's a reason why spouses get fifty percent in community property states, because you don't make that money alone, you depend on the counsel and soothing of your significant other. Furthermore, the inability to force one spouse to testify against the other in court speaks to the bond between the two.

In other words, there's a reason why the most powerful people are in relationships. It takes two. Someone you can trust, someone who's got your back, someone who will not scorn or question you but defend and understand you, and nudge you in the right direction if necessary.

We all need a sounding board. But we're all fearful that information can be used against us.

Your sounding board is at home.

Choose well.

Find someone who shares your hopes, dreams and desires. Someone who won't divorce you when the going gets rough. Someone who's willing to get down in the trenches and fight not for what's right, but you.

2. You Can't Worry What People Say About You

If you want to be liked, join a social club. But business, like politics, is for winners, not joiners. You're gonna make enemies. If for no reason other than some will become envious. You need a thick skin to play hardball. And the ability to ignore those without power who abhor you, and sidle up to those with power who hate you. Ever notice that everybody at the top of business knows each other? All the tech titans, all the record industry giants? It's because they rely on these relationships to get them what they want, and know it's only these people who can prevent them from reaching their goals.

3. Don't Be A Wimp

If you're not willing to stand up and give back, stay out of the arena. A powerful person runs right over sycophants, he or she only respects someone who stands their ground and pushes back when necessary. This is the signal you're a real player. Once again, it's not about being liked, those at the top are not concerned with this, rather it's about showing that you understand power and are willing to use it.

4. Know The Game

We're learning until we die. Every day you learn what you did not know before. If you're not willing to re-evaluate your choices and positions, you're going to find yourself left behind. With age and experience comes wisdom. If you think you know everything, you've got blind spots. And there's always something we don't know. Cultivate those with expertise outside your primary focus. Because you're going to call on them at some point in the future, you just don't know when. And choose enemies wisely. Having said that, power players respect other power players who are willing to burn bridges. Because although it's the primary move of the amateur, it's the ace in the hand of the professional. If someone is willing to cut you off, that means their agenda doesn't square with yours, and they might be trouble in the future.

5. Align Yourself With Winners

Few understand this. They're so busy worrying about who's nice and friendly, who they can trust, that they don't realize very few people control the back line of pieces on a chessboard. The pawns are up front, ready to be taken at will. But the King is protected, and the Queen has the ability to move in ways no other piece possesses, speaking to point number one above.

If you want to go all the way, you've got to play with the number one player, the survivor, the person who knows where all the bodies are buried.

6. Learn How To Say Yes

Anybody can say no. It takes you out of the game. But saying yes... Too many are afraid. Of the unknown. Of the consequences. But if a power player gives you your chance and you waffle or say no, you're passed over, forgotten. You're a pawn in the power player's game. Feel good that you've been chosen. If you believe you're being sacrificed, you aligned yourself with the wrong people. You're a soldier, pledging fealty. An underling who argues with a power player frequently finds himself in a cul-de-sac, his career stalled.

7. Success Is A Power Game

Can you get your e-mail returned? How fast?

That's the demonstration of your power, your reach. Sure, money helps. But power players rip off the rich on a regular basis. Because having cash does not mean you know how to play the game. True power is the ability to get your vision exercised. And this can only be done if you understand the game and what reactions will be, who you can trust and who you cannot.

8. Eat Or Be Eaten

You might not want to make it to the top, but that guy sitting next to you...he might feel otherwise, he might be hungry to move up the ladder. So be suspicious. Be on the lookout for agendas. It's show BUSINESS, not show FRIENDS!


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The Oscars

And the winner is... SAMSUNG!

Ellen uses an iPhone backstage, but when it comes to taking the Oscar selfie...she kowtows to those who pay, just like the rest of these besuited actors who bend over and take it up the rear regularly...come on, did you hear them use their time to thank anybody and everybody as opposed to saying something important? Then again, I think Matthew McConaughey was trying to make a point, but I couldn't understand it through the bongo drums and the smoke.

And then you've got Ellen DeGeneres, who actually does a good monologue and then devolves into her daytime routine. Hey Ellen! If I wanted to stay home and watch fake people be nice not only would I not have a life, like your audience, I'd believe we all live in a sunny land where there is no poverty and happiness reigns.

Ick.

Unlike in South Africa...

Yes, that was the highlight for me, U2's performance of their Mandela song, which is B grade at best, but whose performance smacked the ball so far over the fence that the audience sat there like they were watching "Springtime For Hitler."

Yes, Bono overemoted. Yes, Edge won't remove that ridiculous cap, when being bald is no longer a criminal offense that prevents you from ever getting laid again. But Adam and Larry played acoustically and the whole thing had a level of subtlety, intensity and meaning that the rest of the show lacked.

Hell, I'll even say Karen O's performance had some gravitas, but Pharrell should retire the silly hat and realize dancing with nobodies does not enhance your career after busting a move with Emily Ratajkowski, and Pink didn't fly but she oversang and Bette Midler...should have sung "Friends," because that's what the movie business is all about, relationships. Unlike music, it's a team effort.

Or, as Eddie Rosenblatt so wisely put it after Andy Rooney's ridiculous excoriation of Kurt Cobain on "60 Minutes"... "Movies when done right are larger than life, music when done right is life itself."

And yes, U2's performance was life itself.

And Jared Leto gave a shout-out to his band, equating this inane ceremony with the MTV VMAs, where it's all about promoting your next track, and I was stuck in the middle with you.

I could barely watch. Because what was on my phone was much more riveting. Frank Rich was incensed and Steve Martin got an Oscar but he was tweeting from home and I didn't bother to tweet whatsoever, because in 2014, no one's paying attention, they're too busy being a star themselves.

As for Ellen and company breaking Twitter... What's next, you gonna break Smith Corona? How about Packard Bell? That's the movies for you, always one step behind. You couldn't at least make a WhatsApp reference?

But all we got was pizza. I mean we're sitting at home, wondering when we're gonna get out of Africa, the dreaded middle wherein the show has lost its way and you're wondering if it will ever come back and...Ellen is doing shtick? This was the drum solo of the Oscars, the superfluous moment when you get to pee, but are afraid of getting up for fear you'll miss something.

As for who won... The people keeping the industry alive, by going to see "Transformers" and "Iron Man," weren't even watching at this point, if they'd ever tuned in at all. Yes, while the industry was congratulating itself, the audience had moved on.

Does it remind you of another entertainment monolith? That known as the RECORD BUSINESS?

CD profits were huge, the companies were rolling in dough, and when the public got a chance, it moved on.

As people have done today. But they've moved to TV. Yes, I couldn't wait to get home and watch the penultimate episode of "House of Cards," which riveted me in a way this 200 plus minute hegira in the desert never did. Then again, I'm not going to the theatre to see "Wolf of Wall Street," because I don't want to see Scorsese whack off for almost as long. Oh, Marty's good, but not that good, because he's so busy getting the look and the emotions right, he's sacrificed story.

Oh, I speared a sacred cow!

But if you think Marty Scorsese is my hero, you could probably understand why the show had a theme and what it meant, I certainly couldn't.

I've got some movie heroes. Francis Ford Coppola, who made the best movie ever, "Godfather II."

And excommunicated prick Peter Bogdanovich, who had an exquisite three movie run before he lost the plot...I WANT MY TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!

And I'll even throw in George Lucas, not for "Star Wars," but "American Graffiti."

And I'll exclude Spielberg, because he's a hack. Blame him for where we're at. Where they pull the heartstrings and make it about visual effects and you leave feeling you've been on an amusement park ride, but you've learned nothing about life.

As for the makers of the early flicks, the people today's youngsters know nothing about, from Orson Welles to William Wyler to Billy Wilder, I'm all thumbs-up. Those were the golden ages, the same way the classic rock era was music's Renaissance. You get big grosses today and nitwits with numerous number one hits but there's no meaning there.

Which may be why everybody's glued to the other screen, their phone or the tablet, during the show.

I certainly was.

On my phone I was in control. I could bounce from topic to topic, I was in a living pinball machine of endless stimulation.

That's right, my attention span had been disrupted.

That's the key word of the twenty first century, DISRUPTION!

It happened to music, it happened to cabs and it even happened to telephones.

That's right. There's scores, nearly millions of youngsters who know the calcified entertainment industries offer no opportunity, so they've all gone into tech, looking for ways to shake things up, and make a ton of money in the process. Only old farts play by the rules anymore.

That's right, watching the Oscar telecast reminded me of nothing so much as going to school, wherein when I questioned what was going on, I got blank stares and put-downs in return, I had to respect the INSTITUTION!

And the Academy is so busy respecting the institution of the Oscar telecast that we've lost interest.

David Letterman disrupted late night TV.

What does Jimmy Fallon do in response? THE SAME DAMN SHOW!

But NBC fired Jay Leno because they didn't like his demographics, irrelevant of the fact that he won every night. You see the money is in the youth. And the Academy knows this. But is unable to shake the preconceptions of the aged white men who comprise it.

So here goes...

1. It's television. Make it an interesting watch. And tighten it up. No one's got time for hour plus albums and no one's got time for 200 plus minute award shows.

2. Deliver the unexpected. Give out major awards first.

3. Change the venue. Do remotes. Do taped segments. Have us sitting in front of the flat screen wondering what you're going to do next, afraid to turn the damn thing off.

4. "Seinfeld" was the most successful sitcom ever because it had a "no hugging, no learning" rule. The Oscars need the same thing. No, we all don't love each other and every movie does not end on a high note, at least the good ones. We want truth, we want edge, we don't want a celebration of pricks who are worried where there next paychecks are coming from.

Then again, at this late date, we know "Seinfeld" triumphed because of the irascible outcast Larry David, whose writing resonated because at heart we're all outcasts, not insiders.

So put Judd Apatow in charge. Have it scripted by Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. Make references to McLovin. Pay fealty to the people who actually go instead of this faux presentation wherein for one night a year we forget what the business truly is.

Like the Cars said, it's time to SHAKE IT UP!

Before someone else shakes it up for you.

Oh, that's right, television already has.

TV dominates dinner and the water cooler.

Rather than endless hype and wait, Netflix delivers all thirteen episodes of "House of Cards" at once.

Then again, Reed Hastings built Netflix. It's his ego and his money on the line, whereas no one's built a successful studio in decades (DreamWorks Animation and the Weinstein Company don't count, they're outgrowths of what came before). The techies are all about personal triumph and changing the world. Everything's up for grabs. They don't play to what once was because they understand tomorrow is much more important than today.

So, so long Ellen DeGeneres. Loved your put-down of Liza Minnelli (do she and Kim Novak actually think they look good?), but if I want middle of the road I'll tune in Wayne Newton, or maybe Grayson Chance.

So long Samsung, you're just like the movie business, endless me-tooism, no originality.

And so long so many of those in attendance, who will probably never get inside the building again, never mind win an award.

And hello you and me. We rule. We've got options. We won't waste our time on mediocrity.

And I must declare...this is the first time ever where I felt if I missed the Oscar telecast...I'd have missed nothing.


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Sunday 2 March 2014

Oscar Right And Wrong

RIGHT

The simulcast. The Grammys and music will never get the respect they deserve until they respect themselves. When you're beholden to Les Moonves, you're beholden to someone who only cares about ratings and his paycheck. When will Neil Portnow grow a pair of balls and stand up to CBS?

That's right, never.

WRONG

Ellen DeGeneres.

If you're trying to move forward, you don't play it safe. Then again, safe is what the movie industry has become. If it can't play around the world, if it can't have sequels, they're not interested.

RIGHT

Nominating the best pictures, irrelevant of box office success. Once you kowtow to the minions you sacrifice your mission.

WRONG

Ten nominees for Best Picture, or is it nine? I don't know, but by trying to create a big tent and include everybody the Academy has diluted the water and made it hard for all of us to wrap our head around the awards. We live in an era of cacophony. We want people to whittle evidence down. If you're giving me too much choice, I walk on by. Just talk to a salesman... Everybody who's ever plied the floor knows you only show two items, after that...the customer becomes confused and leaves empty-handed.

RIGHT

Small theatre.

The Kodak, er, Dolby, grants intimacy and gravitas. We live in a world of walls. If I can't get in, I'm intrigued. Moving the Grammys to an arena just means more irrelevant people in monkey suits can get inside.

WRONG

Making us sit through so much we don't want to see. Credit the Grammys with realizing most people don't want to see classical and other "niche" genres and giving us all stars all the time. The Oscars move so slow you'd think they're an advertisement for crock pots. If it was screened for a studio head, it would never get a release. First and foremost it's entertainment, you want people to watch, SO MAKE IT ENTERTAINING!

Furthermore, no one cares who wins the small awards. Give 'em out fast and get 'em over with, or just televise the awards people care about, like the Grammys. We don't care about your stinking short. In an era of blockbusters, we only want what flies above. As for tech people... Engineers are key to recordings, but they don't get airtime on the Grammys.

RIGHT

Few awards. No, this is not a contradiction. The Grammys have way too many categories. Winning is not special. There are businessmen who have many, even Presidents. If you haven't been nominated for a Grammy, you don't make music.

WRONG

Letting advertising trump essence.

We're subjected to months of meaningless ads trumpeting films for victory but there's very little focus on the films themselves, we don't get long clips until the Oscar show itself. Make twenty minutes available online. Have documentaries detailing what the not on screen people do. They call it the Information Age, but all the Academy delivers is hype. And gloss. We want the seamy underside, and I don't mean who slept with who, although we want that too, but how these films got made. Have Scorsese testify about the making of "The Wolf Of Wall Street." Christian Bale talking about how he prepared for his role in "American Hustle." Build some culture around the nominees, it will benefit both the show and movies, for without culture you've got nothing.

RIGHT

Ad libs. Live is all about spontaneity. We don't want it perfect, but memorable. About all I remember from last year's show is Jennifer Lawrence tripping on the way up to win her award.

WRONG

No fan involvement. You want us to watch, but you don't let us get involved. How about a contest wherein winners get Academy screeners? And the person with screeners who gets the most categories right gets to go to the show the following year and be on camera. We live in a social world, but the Oscars are not social. They're all about exclusivity. And those involved don't realize we're making fun of them behind their backs.

RIGHT

Tradition. It adds gravitas.

WRONG

Giving awards to those who don't deserve one. Oprah? Doesn't she have enough money and accolades? Wanna honor her, let her host! That's what she's famous for, that's what she know how to do.

RIGHT

Jack Nicholson. Because he's known for doing it his way, and he's cool.

WRONG

The sycophantic TV hosts who we don't know the name of and are so busy fawning over the stars we want to puke. And if I hear one more idiot asking "Who are you wearing..." Shouldn't there be an app for that?

RIGHT

Limiting the endless speeches wherein the winner thanks everybody who might get them another job.

WRONG

Playing off the people we actually want to hear. Can't someone make a judgment as to who is actually interesting and let them keep going?

Or, instead of playing people off, give awards for the speeches...shortest, most intriguing, funniest... Get the public to vote and give cash prizes that are donated to the winner's charity of choice.

WRONG

Length. It's kind of like George Carlin's riff on baseball...we don't know when it's gonna end, it could go on FOREVER! It's a relief when it's finally over. And give Trent Reznor props for bitching about being cut off at the Grammys, no one will say a negative word tonight, because they're afraid they'll never work again.

WRONG

The air of formality. They play derelicts by day but we're supposed to respect them at night? Can't someone come in a t-shirt, can't someone say something dangerous?

WRONG

The production numbers. You can't sell a movie musical, but one night a year, when everybody's watching, you subject them to endless minutes of dancing and warbling... Ugh.

WRONG

Casting past winners on the scrapheap. If you've ever won, you deserve a ticket. Yes, I'm talking about you Mira Sorvino.

WRONG

The delay between the end of the year and this show. The NFL only takes two weeks off before the Super Bowl, why does the Academy take two months?

WRONG

The failure of most people to see most of the nominees. Everything that's nominated should play on Netflix, for a month, a week, maybe even a day. Yup, the Sunday night before, everything is free online. Can you imagine the mass hysteria? De La Soul gives away ancient music online for free and everybody knows about it, the Academy airs the Oscars and most people will NEVER see the movies.

WRONG

Faux respect. Just because you made it, just because you're in the building, that does not mean we've got to make nice, especially since so many are money-grubbing pricks. MTV realized controversy sells their yearly VMAs, we all remember when RuPaul and Milton Berle got into it, we remember almost nothing about recent Oscar telecasts other than...that streaker before most of the wannabe audience was born.

WRONG

The producers. All caught up in movie glory, all the crap no one cares about. Give credit to Ken Ehrlich, at least he knows the Grammys are a TV show! You hire a professional to do a job, not someone who's never done it before. Ever notice the movie stars are wooden live? Which is why we don't get them to host, they suck. Just ask James Franco.

WRONG

The inability to acknowledge most of us watch most of our movies at home. Hell, who wants to go to a theatre with texting and sticky floors and start times that are never convenient. How about a new award for MOST STREAMED! Or at least release some data as part of the run-up to the telecast.

RIGHT

TCM's 31 days of Oscar. The channel respects films in a way the Academy does not. It's about the picture, stupid. And that's based on the plot. And if you want people to respect the art, you've got to make it. You've got to enable artists and stop funding comic book action flicks whilst complaining your hands are tied.

BOTTOM LINE

The Oscar show, like the movies themselves, are in terminal decline. As for 2013 being a renaissance, that's like saying One Direction is a better boy band than New Kids On The Block. If you think everybody is talking about movies, you're in the "industry." It's a closed shop that more and more tune out. Let us inside. Mystery is history, it went away with the Internet. No one's on a pedestal anymore, certainly not these two-dimensional actors who are constantly committing faux pas in public.

Story is king.

As for the story of these Oscars... What is it again?


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