Buying A New Car

I keep my cars forever. I certainly don't lease, I don't need to look fashionable. I drove my first BMW for 180,000 miles, until it got totaled by a drunk driver on St. Patrick's Day. The second one exceeded 190,000. But I should have gotten rid of it sooner. I spent thousands trying to fix an electrical problem, more than the car was worth, I was just that attached.

And I fear buying stuff that much.

I'm afraid to make a mistake.

Republicans should have me running the government. I wouldn't spend a dime! Which engine should we get in the fighter jet? Drones? Do you buy a hundred or just one? I mean you want the volume discount, then again, if I give them all that money are they gonna cut corners?

You can see my dilemma.

But Felice is nothing like me. Which is why I believe in the Paula Abdul school of relationships. You know, OPPOSITES ATTRACT!

Felice doesn't need it perfect, and if it's not right, she throws it away and buys a new one. Last I checked, we don't live forever, so this is a good policy and I'm trying to learn.

But I'm teaching too. Felice never kept a car longer than three years. She was afraid it would break down! Huh? Cars last hundreds of thousands of miles today. So I convinced her to hang on to her 2002 Lexus GS300, hell it was PAID FOR!

Drove her image-conscious brother-in-law nuts. Hell, he drives an Aston Martin! You know Hollywood, it's what you look like, what you drive... As for your interior? It could be empty for all most people care.

But I'm a transplant. I remember the blue bloods. Who drove Ford Galaxies and wore Topsiders. They feigned poverty. It was a style. But now the blue bloods don't have the money of bankers and I live on the west coast and I'm caught between two worlds.

But even though Felice's Lexus only has 70,000 odd miles, could outlive her at this pace, recently it's developed niggling problems and she wants a new car. Mind you, I wouldn't. I'd be driving that thing forever. But when she opened the front door and it creaked, and wouldn't stay open to boot, Felice said IT'S TIME!

She decided on a BMW. She saw one on the street. You know women, they think cars are fashion items. How else to explain the rash of female SUV drivers? It's not like they're gonna go off-road. Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist, I know Danica Patrick could blow my doors off and probably beat me up, but what kind of world do we live in where you can't state the obvious?

So today we went to check out BMWs.

First and foremost, there are so many models, they don't have them on the lot, never mind the showroom floor. You're better off staying at home and surfing the web. The first guy we got seemed to be knowledgeable, but the most basic questions flummoxed him. The difference in price between a 3 and a 5. The different engines available. Oh, I know it's complicated. But it's his gig!

But then he threw us over to his associate, who was truly clueless. Nice, but clueless. And when we wanted to drive a 5, after waiting for twenty minutes for him to show up with the car, we walked over to the Audi dealership right next door.

Audi, have you been following this?

If you're of a certain age, you remember when Audi just about went out of business. Because of the unintended acceleration fiasco. Of course, it was driver error. Hell, did you read last week that the majority of breast implants are silicone again? We Americans love a controversy, we love to point fingers at others, we hate responsibility. Audi barely survived.

And then came the revolution.

Volkswagen, Audi's parent, declared it was going to become the world's largest carmaker by 2018.

Everybody laughed. This would be like Warner saying it was going to eclipse Universal's market share in less than a decade.

But VW's almost there.

As for Audi, it's the Mercedes-Benz of China, the top choice of the high-ranking politicos.

And even Mercedes-Benz is not Mercedes-Benz anymore. That's BMW.

But BMW is like CAA. Top dog, but arrogant.

And that just pissed people off.

Acura is too downscale.

Lexus is for grandparents, who remember that old Cadillac ride.

Infiniti got lost in the shuffle.

It's a battle between BMW, Mercedes and Audi, and right now, it looks like Audi is going to win.

Huh?

They started off with luxury at good prices. They upgraded the facilities and the help. Unlike BMW, they use wood instead of plastic. And if you don't need a BMW, you're gonna buy an Audi.

But please know more about the car than me!

After a test drive, we went into the office to check prices and specs.

The salesman pulled up the website.

I CAN DO THAT AT HOME!

Even the sales manager wasn't sure if you could get the B&O sound system without the supercharged engine.

But the real story is car buying has changed. Only marks get ripped off. Everybody else researches like hell, gets a "Consumer Report" report, calls a bunch of dealers, and gets a deal.

So how do you stand out?

Well, first and foremost someone's got to want your product.

I don't want an Audi, I want a BMW. I can handle the plastic, I want that road feel.

But most people are not like me. Otherwise, Chrysler would be out of business. Have you checked their reliability records recently?

Most people are emotional buyers. So it's about looks, comfort, and a good dealership experience.

Not like going to the gig.

Our whole nation has gone upscale.

But the concert experience is still stuck in the seventies. Maybe the eighties. With typically heinous food and uncomfortable seats, if there are any. Whereas even the cheapest cars now have power windows. If you don't think cars have gotten better, you haven't driven one.

So where does that leave Felice?

Probably buying an Audi.

Yup, the guy on the front line at BMW screwed it up. You don't want to keep customers waiting at a $50,000 price point. They go elsewhere, where they're wanted, where they're treated right.

Hell, the Audi salesman kept asking us if we wanted a drink. His answer was always yes instead of no.

It's the people on the front line who make the difference.

Unless your product is so outstanding it sells itself.

That's where Apple was. Far ahead of the competition.

That's not where it is today.

Audi is more than Samsung. It's a three-dimensional outfit.

And its competitors should be afraid, very afraid. Because what's hip today might become passe.

"Audi Races For Luxury Crown": http://on.wsj.com/10CY3IJ

"Continuum Redesigns Audi's Car Dealership Experience": http://buswk.co/YipqGs

"Once Banned, Silicone Breast Implants Make a Comeback": http://on.wsj.com/14Prd84


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